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Wilbanks Reveals Secret Identity

ALBEQUERQUE, NM -- In what has turned out to be an extraordinary chain of events, missing bride-to-be Jennifer Wilbanks was found to be alive and well in Albequerque, New Mexico today. Of course, the parents and prospective bridegroom of Jennifer are relieved to know that she is OK. However, Jennifer has been forced to admit that she is really an undercover cop who was in pursuit of a fugitive.

In a fashion reminiscent of a bad TV show, Jennifer (aka, SWAT-girl) Wilbanks, learned on Tuesday afternoon that a criminal she had been staking out for weeks had decided to flee from Georgia. It is believed that he got a tip he was being watched. Jennifer was due to arrest the suspect on Thursday night, just two days before her upcoming wedding.

It was decision-time for Jennifer... lose the suspect and stay for the wedding? ...or follow the fugitive in hopes of a take-down? Jennifer took the courageous course and followed the suspect on a whirlwind trip to Las Vegas and ultimately to Albequerque where she nabbed the suspect. Way to go Jen!

Frist Threatens Nuclear Test

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a fashion reminiscent of Kim Jung Il, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) has threatened to conduct a test of the "nuclear option" if Democrats continue to threaten a filibuster over President Bush's judicial nominees.

In a blustery monologue, Frist took on a tone unusual for this normally mild, soft-spoken member of the group known as Washington Insiders Making Progress. "I will turn this Senate into a lake of... tepid water... that's unfit for bathing in", he said. "So there. Take that, you big bad Democrats you."


Two of a Kind?

An Apple with Two Cores?

CUPERTINO, CA -- In an effort to keep pace with the technology innovations of Intel and AMD, Apple Computer is considering dual-core processors for its future products according to an unnamed industry analyst. It appears that the coming trend in CPUs will be dual-core units, which as the name suggests, contain two processors within one chip.

The reason for this innovation is because of the inability of most chip-makers to develop a single-core chip that will run at 4.0 GHz. Apparently micro-miniturization is reaching a limit where just too much heat is being created by a single-core.

An unnamed insider at Apple suggested that there may be another reason for the switch. "You didn't hear this from me," he said, "but the Quality Control people have been finding a lot more worms in our Apples lately".

Speaker Declares Congress Ethics-Free Zone

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert (R-IL), today declared the Congress an Ethics-Free Zone. Democrats on the House Ethics Committee have prevented the committee from conducting any business for several weeks now in retaliation against the ethics rules changes that were pushed through by Republicans earlier this year.

"I'm willing to step back", Hastert said today, clearly frustrated. "The Democrats obviously don't want ethics, and they don't want to do anything when they come here to work on the Ethics Committee. They just want to sit around and accuse Republicans of not having any ethics". With the veins on his neck starting to bulge, Hastert continued, "Fine, if that's how they want it, then great... starting now, no ethics allowed!"

Talk show hosts and pundits on both the left and right began frantically trying to determine what impact this decision might have on activities within the Beltway.

U.N. Asks Republicans to Leave D.C.

NEW YORK, NY -- Feeling flush with victory after the recent efforts to pressure the Syrians to leave Lebanon, Kofi Annan (D-UN) today asked Republicans to leave Washington, D.C. Citing similarities to the situation in Lebanon, the U.N. Secretary-General said that "there is an occupying force in the U.S. capitol, which is unduly exerting it's influence on the American people".

Annan went on to say that, "The people of America love democracy... and as such, they are democrats. Clearly, the Republicans are not Democrats, and they must be opposed". Senator John F. Kerry (D-MA), a well-known supporter of the international body, lauded the remarks by Kofi Annan. "We have to pass a global test, and only the Democrats have the proper cheat-sheet needed to pass that test", said Kerry. "The Republicans don't know how to cheat as well as we do, so we can't trust them to pass the test".

At the same time Kerry was making his remarks in the Senate chambers, a demonstration of Anti-Republicans was going on outside. In a fashion reminiscent of Lebanese anti-Syrian demonstrations, the Democratic crowd began waving their national flags which portray a donkey on a yellow background, and chanting slogans like... "Go home Republicans! Go back to your red states! Keep your Social Security! I want my children to retire with nothing!"

When asked for his comments, President George Bush (R-TX) said, "This is a free country and those who disagree have a right to speak their mind. No one ever said a mob mentality could pass an IQ test. We will prevail in Afghanistan, in Iraq, and right here in Washington, D.C.... Next question?"

Syrians Leave Lebanon

BEIRUT, Lebanon -- The last of the remaining 14,000 Syrian troops pulled out of Lebanon today, under pressure from the U.S. and the United Nations. In a ceremony which mostly praised Syria and Bashar al-Assad, Syria's President, the exiting troops tried to put a "happy face" on what was clearly a victory for the anti-Syrian movement within Lebanon.

Democrats on Capitol Hill immediately began praising the good work of their fellow Democratic leadership. "Ted Kennedy (D-MA), Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Harry Reid (D-NV) did a fantastic job getting those Syrians out of Lebanon", said Joe Biden (D-DE).

Not to be outdone, Senator Bill Frist (R-TN) the Senate Majority Leader, suggested that President Bush (R-TX) should get some of the credit. "He gets blamed for everything else", said Frist. "Nonsense", said a NY Times reporter (D-NY). "We only blame George Bush for the BAD stuff that happens".

Michael Jackson to Play Race Card

SANTA MARIA, California -- A number of cable news legal analysts suggest that Michael Jackson will play the race card at his sexual molestation trial. In a twist of fate, it is expected that Mr. Jackson will claim that his deviant sexual behavior with young males is the result of his now being Caucasian. "If I was still black", said Jackson, "you know I wouldn't be thinkin' 'bout no boys."

It is rumored that Mr. Jackson's attorney will call an expert witness in the areas psychology and the effects of chemical skin bleaching agents. "It's clear that Michael Jackson was normal before he started bleaching his skin", said a close friend of the Jackson family. "He didn't turn weird, until he turned white".

Superior Court Judge Rodney Melville, who is presiding at the Jackson trial, today agreed to hear testimony from Debbie Rowe, mother of two of Jackson's children. "I agree", said Rowe. "I think that the bleach really got to him. Breathin' that stuff can't be good for your brain cells."

Archaeologists Discover New Food Pyramid

CAIRO, Egypt -- In a rare find of unprecedented proportions, archaeologists today announced that they had discovered an object they describe as the New Food Pyramid, or NFP for short. Unlike other pyramids made of blah-looking stone, the NFP is a brightly-colored affair with vertically-running strips and a staircase on one side. "Quite an unusual find, old man", said one of the British archaeologists on the team. "Rather extraordinary, actually. We've never seen anything quite like it".

Some scientists have dubbed the NFP as the "Food Guidance System" because they believe it can be installed on rocket ships for use as an interstellar navigation system. "This new guidance system is GREAT", said an unnamed NASA technician. "Just imagine, a food-powered interstellar navigation system! How COOL is that?"

Clowns On Tour - Next Stop D.C.

GRAND RAPIDS, Michigan -- The annual Clowns of America International convention was held here this week. It started on Tuesday and closes on Sunday. More than 300 people showed up from places as far away as Okinowa (Japan). Representatives from Canada, Mexico and Brazil were also on hand. There was a particularly interesting contingent from Florida, which included such clowns as Michael Schiavo, George Felos and Judge George W. Greer.


The group heads next to Washington, D.C. where they will put on a show that will attempt to rival the slapstick antics of the U.S. Congress. "I know it's a tough act to follow", said one clown who wished to remain anonymous, "but I think we have better make-up and outfits."

Here's Lookin' At You Kid

HANOVER, NH -- A Dartmouth University study, published in a recent issue of Psychological Science, has determined that eye contact between individuals provides immediate, non-verbal clues as to how attractive a person may be. The study found that in the first few seconds of a meeting, impressions of a person are developed based on a number of eye contact criteria including, immediacy, duration, and head movements (either toward or away from an individual).

The study also learned that facial expressions play a key role in our impressions of others. For example, a furrowed brow can indicate anger. One raised eyebrow can suggest inquisitiveness. Two raised eyebrows indicates surprise. Three raised eyebrows indicates that the species may not be human.

Upon hearing of the study findings, Democratic strategists immediately began investigating the source of its funding. It is anticipated that allegations will surface that it was funded through a government grant. The anti-Bush league is expected to attack the Administration by citing this study as another example of wasted taxpayer dollars.

Bush Celebrates Earth Day

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today, April 22nd, is Earth Day. Many environmentalists, both extreme and moderate, are celebrating the day with various types of events. Some are conducting clean-ups of their neighborhood parks or local streams. Others are hiking or sponsoring running events.

George W. Bush on the other hand, is planning on polluting a river today. He will secretly choose a pristine river and dump at least one or two drums of toxic waste in an effort to kill as much of the aquatic wildlife as possible. "I have an image to maintain", said President Bush. According to his critics, Mr. Bush is a blatant anti-environmentalist President. "I can't wait to sign a bill which would allow oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildllife Refuge (ANWR)", Bush said, "so I can do on a larger scale what I enjoy doing here today."

Pope Benedict XVI Starts New Blog

VATICAN CITY, Rome -- The new pope appears to be a digital maven who not only has his own E-mail address (benedictxvi@vatican.va), but also appears intent on starting his own blog. Rumors have it the name of the new blog will be "View From the Vatican". Actually, the new pope has several E-mail addresses in various languages. It is unclear if he will have several blogs in various languages. A preliminary Pope Blog is already up and running.

According to an on-line fan club, the pope's official blog slogan will be, "Putting the smackdown on heresy since 1981". Leaks from the Vatican suggest that the Pope's blog profile will include such items as... "German-born, Hitler-Youth conscript, Flak (German anti-aircraft corps), military deserter, P.O.W., seminarian, priest, bishop, "Panzer" cardinal, "God's rottweiler", Pope, humble worker in God's vineyard, German Shepard".

Another Up Day on Wall Street

NEW YORK, NY -- In stark contrast to an article from this reporter only a few days ago (April 15, 2005 to be exact), Wall Street had its best day in almost 2 years, being the Dow's largest one-day gain since April 2, 2003. Not a few traders stopped biting their nails, and some even stopped lining up to jump from the nation's tallest buildings.

However, more than a few market watchers were suggesting to just wait and see what tomorrow holds. "Things could still go south", said one analyst. "The market is sort of an up and down kinda thingy".

History would suggest however, that the Stock Market has never been down in any given 20-year period, which bodes well for the investor who is willing to stay in the Market for the long term. This is one of the foundational reasons for President George Bush's determination to see Social Security reform which would allow private accounts for individuals to invest Social Security funds into the Stock Market.

In other news, Nokia's earnings per share were 0.19 euros in the first three months of 2005, or 27% above analysts expectations. Also, Motorola's earnings increased nearly 50% over the past year. And the number of Americans filing new claims for unemployment benefits plunged by 36,000 last week, the biggest drop in more than three years.

Some accountants continue to be fearful that tax write-offs for capital losses may be down this year.

Thai Prison Reform in Progress

BANGKOK, Thailand -- In a fashion reminiscent of Zucker Abraham & Zucker, Thailand's notorious Lad Yao prison put on a variety show for delegates from the United Nations. With it's reputation as the "Bangkok Hilton" (a play on the torture chambers of the Vietnam "Hanoi Hilton"), it must have been an odd sight to see transvestite prisoners in pink tutus running around with colorful acrobats.

"What a crock of horsey doo-doo", said one prisoner. "They didn't even want us to talk to anybody for fear we'd rat them out." With the prison being known for it's excessively long and cruel sentences, the performance was understood by many to be merely window-dressing.

"We're doing our best," said an unnamed spokesman for Lad Yao's PR firm. "We got a 1-year contract to try and make these idiots look like they didn't just come out of some medieval dungeon. We haven't got a lot to work with here... By the way, will you be sticking around for the magic show?"

Bolton Vote Delayed By New Pope

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- It had been expected that the Senate Foreign Relations Committee would vote today to approve John R. Bolton as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. In a surprise move however, Ohio Republican Sen. George Voinovich finally spoke for the first time during the proceedings and said... "I don't feel comfortable voting today".

At first it was assumed by most on-lookers that Voinovich's discomfort may have been caused by Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), or some other equally disgusting personal affliction. It was soon learned however, that he was referring to the fact that a new Pope had just been elected in Rome. "Remember when Charles and Camilla postponed their wedding the day John Paul II had his funeral?", asked Voinovich. "I think we should likewise take some time to mourn the election of a new Pope... especially one from Germany."

Senator Richard Lugar (R-IN) did not agree with Voinovich's sentiment, and tried to move the proceedings along to a vote. "Shocking", declared Senator John F. Kerry (D-MA). "We cannot vote on a day as momentous as this. We need to take some time and offer our respects to the new German Shepard."

FBI Reveals Source of Bolton Mustache

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- An unnamed spokesperson for the FBI today announced that they had completed an investigation into the source of John Bolton's mustache. Bolton is President Bush's nominee for U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. and has been undergoing intensive scrutiny during his ongoing Senate confirmation hearings.

As a follow-up to an exclusive story by famed blogger Scott Ott at Scrappleface.com on April 12th, the FBI launched a secret investigation into the source of John Bolton's mustache. The results of the investigation are shocking...

Mr. Bolton's mustache was formerly a Silver Fox fur coat from the Barbie Doll collection of Chelsea Clinton. Being the "bully" he is, Mr. Bolton stole the fur coat from Chelsea and chooses to wear it right under his nose for all to see. Bolton considers it an Anti-Clinton trophy. Fortunately for Mr. Bolton, the FBI considers this a misdemeanor and Mr. Bolton is not expected to serve any jail time.

Tell Me You're Not Sirius

As if we haven't had enough of Martha Stewart lately, now you can pay to get more. The Homemaking Diva has just signed a deal with Sirius Satellite Radio Inc. for her own 24-hour channel featuring cooking and gardening shows, as well entertainment programs for women.

"I'm very excited about this," said Stewart. Martha intends to expand on the 90-second spots she previously did on the radio called "Ask Martha". Rumor has it that the new shows will be even more boring than the 90-second spots, and Martha will continue to dispense more useless drivel along the lines of the following...

"If you find yourself choking on an ice cube, what can a smart homemaker like you do? Well, most people just wait for the ice cube to melt, but to speed up the process you can pour boiling water down your throat."

Hillary Running for President in '06

ALBANY, NY -- Although most of the candidates will not be running for President of the United States until 2008, Hillary Rodham Clinton will start running in 2006. Hillary's first goal is to get re-elected to the Senate. If she fails in 2006, it could end her chances for a shot at the White House in 2008. A number of Republican strategists are clearly aware of that and have already started preparing "Stop Hillary" campaigns...

"We do not intend to have a mud-slinging contest though", said an unnamed Republican insider. "We will treat Hillary with the same dignified manner that the Democrats have used during the recent confirmation hearings of Presidential appointments like Condoleeza Rice, John Bolton, Stephen Johnson, and various other judicial nominees. Fair play is all you can ask for... we will have open, honest and frank discussions about Hillary's shortcom... uh, personal qualities."

Ann Coulter -- Cover Girl

NEWS STANDS, Everywere -- Ann Coulter, radical darling of the conservative viewpoint, is rumored to be the cover girl who will grace the next issue of TIME magazine. Although the picture is not very flattering (can you say... Twiggy?), the mere fact of her presence on the cover of a Mainstream Media (MSM) publication suggests that conservatives like Coulter are beginning to make an impact that cannot be ignored. Always witty, often humorous, Coulter's hard-hitting rabbit punches leave many of her opponents dazed and trying to re-group. One of my favorites, you can check out her website by clicking on the link in my sidebar.

Sex Life of a Blogger

Special Thanks to Cox & Forkum for the cartoon!



Or, go to http://www.coxandforkum.com/, to see the original.

Harry Reid -- Stone Thrower?

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- You know the old saying, "Don't throw stones if you live in a glass house." Why anyone would want to live in glass house is beyond me, but that's not the point. The Democrats, under the leadership of Harry Reid (D-NV) in the Senate, continue to blast Tom DeLay (R-TX), the House Majority Leader, for such frivolous issues as having family members on the payroll of his re-election campaign... which, by the way, is not against the law.

But if you intend to bash others about their practices of "implicit nepotism", then it would only seem fair that you should be above such practices yourself, right? I mean, didn't Jesus say something like, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone?"

Well, you would think so, but not in the case of Harry Reid. It seems that Harry (old pal, old chum) has put not just a few friends and family members on the payroll. According to Carl Limbacher at NewsMax.com.... "In the last four years alone, firms with Reid family ties have collected more than $2 million in lobbying fees."

Ouch!! That's worse than what Tom DeLay is accused of.... but, why do we hear nothing about it from the Main Stream Media (MSM)? Is it perhaps because Harry Reid is a Democrat? Is it perhaps because the MSM has selective amnesia when it comes to Democrats? Well... YOU be the judge.

Another Down Day on Wall Street

NEW YORK, NY -- According to analysts, Wall Street had its worst day in almost 2 years with the DJIA dropping by 191 points... the third straight day of triple-digit losses. Not a few traders were beginning to bite their nails, and some were beginning to line up for jump-off points from the nation's tallest buildings.

However, more than a few market watchers were suggesting to just relax and see what tomorrow holds. "Sure, oil and gas prices are high by recent standards", said one trader. "But, adjusted for inflation, energy prices are VERY realistic."

Another pundit who wished to remain anonymous suggested, "The U.S. economy is by far the most solid, resourceful, innovative, and productive business engine in the world. Don't worry about temporary fluctuations."

In other news, General Electric Co. said Friday that first-quarter profit rose 25 percent from a year ago. Low-cost carrier Southwest Airlines Inc. said first-quarter earnings nearly tripled. The New York Times Co.'s profits nearly doubled in the first three months of 2005.

Some accountants are fearful that tax write-offs for capital losses may be down this year.

South African Nurses Want To Be Bloggers

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa -- Nurses in South Africa are wearing pajamas and nighties around the hospital these days. Representatives of the nurses union (the Democratic Nurses Organization of South Africa) said that uniform allowances were so low, that nurses could only afford to work in pajamas.

Once the shop steward of the D.N.O.S.A. found out that pajamas are the official uniform of the blogger, a poll was taken amongst the rank and file to get their opinion. The results of the poll found that 3 out of 4 nurses would prefer to be bloggers and stay in their pajamas. Only 1 in 4 wanted higher allowances to pay for nursing uniforms.

Scott Ott of Scrappleface blogger fame could not be reached for comment.

Who's Carping Now?

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Senate Environment and Public Works Committee has been reviewing Stephen L. Johnson, President Bush's nominee to head the Environmental Protection Agency. The final vote of the committee on Wednesday was an almost unanimous 17 to 1. The only dissenting voice was that of Senator Thomas R. Carper (D-DE).

Despite the overwhelming approval vote, the Senate hearings have been no cake-walk for Mr. Johnson. Last week, Johnson was "raked over the coals" by Senators Barbara Boxer (D-CA) and Bill Nelson (D-FL). Senator Carper has even suggested that he might try to block Johnson's confirmation by the full Senate.

Apparently, Carper has submitted a request for details of Johnson's anti-pollution proposals showing how they would differ from those of the Administration. Stephen Johnson reportedly told Carper, "I'll get right on that. You can be sure that the first thing I do when I get to the EPA will be to oppose every one of President Bush's proposals. Mine will be much better... you'll see."

President Bush is planning on releasing the name of his new nominee to head the EPA next Monday.

Eugenics Rises Again

SEOUL, South Korea -- Eugenics, a social philosophy which advocates the manipulation of human reproduction for the purposes of attempting to improve the human species over generations, appears to be making a comeback in Asia. Eugenics was widely held by notorious proponents such as Adolf Hitler, Margaret Sanger (founder of Planned Parenthood of America), and Josef Mengele (Nazi death doctor).

Today it is being used to weed out the "Bad, Bloodtype-B Boys" (alliteration never hurt anybody). The subject, which has its roots in 1927 Japan (read... Pre-WWII fascist state), is apparently raising interest among South Koreans. Books about "Dating a Type-B Man", and movies like "My Boyfriend is Type-B", are all the rage.

It seems that popular belief suggests that Type-B bloodtype men are not worth considering. "Stay away from dem", said one South Korean woman. "Dey no good fo' you." Polls would suggest that many Asian Type-B bloodtype men are staying home and enjoying it less (read... sex-starved and enjoying it less).

Toilet Crisis in China

SHANGHAI, China -- From May 8 to 10, Shanghai will play host to the World Toilet Expo. China is looking for new ideas in the world of public sanitation in time for the 2008 Summer Olympics to be held in Beijing. Finding a public restroom in Beijing is a perennial problem for tourists and taxi cab drivers alike. Those that do exist are often nothing more than a "squatting pit" without running water or hand-washing facilities. "Toilets here in China velly bad", said one cabbie. "No good... Velly smerry!"

The Chinese, who recently launched an astronaut into orbit, are about to take on a much more daunting task... personal hygiene. Good Luck Beijing... we wish you great success.

New Poll -- Hillary Out, Rudy In

New York, NY - In a poll released today by the Marist College, 51% of New York state voters think Hillary should NOT run for President in 2008. Only 44% said they thought she should run. In a surprising twist of events, the same poll suggests that an equivalent number of New York state voters (51%) think Rudy Giuliani SHOULD run for President in 2008.

How about the New York Senatorial race in 2006? The poll suggests that in a head-to-head matchup, Hillary wins hands-down almost 2 to 1 over such candidates as George Pataki, Yasser Arafat, Pope John Paul II, and Lassie. Interestingly though, the poll suggests that Rudy Giuliani would beat Hillary 49% to 47% if the runoff were held today.

Neither Hillary nor Rudy could be reached for comment.

Rumsfeld Pressures Iraqi Leadership

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld, on a whirlwind visit to Iraq, pressured the leadership there on Tuesday to avoid delays in developing a govenment, writing a constitution, and defeating the bad guys.

"Anything that would delay that... would be unfortunate," said Rumsfeld. He went on to say that the U.S. "has other countries to liberate, other places to go, and other people to free. In other words, we wanna get our butts outta here... comprende?"

John Bolton Vows to "Work From Home"

WASHINGTON - President Bush's selection of John R. Bolton last month has stirred controversy because of his repeated expressions of disgust over the United Nations and some not too subtle criticism of North Korea.

Bolton is a blunt diplomat whose nomination as U.S. ambassador to the U.N. is opposed by most Democrats and some in the foreign policy establishment. He pledged Monday to help strengthen an institution that has occasionally "gone off the tracks, plunged off a bridge, and smashed into the bottom of a gorge." He further went on to say that, "They're not too competent over there either."

Sen. Richard Lugar, the Foreign Relations Committee chairman, spoke about the controversy, saying opponents have criticized Bolton as "abrasive, confrontational and insensitive."

Bolton, having been widely acknowledged as a good negotiator, then offered to ease the fears of Democratic Senators by working from home. "If others feel that I am abrasive, confrontational and insensitive... well, there's a good way to fix that. It's called telecommuting. I just dial in from home and 'Voila' (did you notice the French word?)... I'm ready for work. I don't even have to get dressed. I can wear pajamas... the official uniform of the telecommuter and the blogger."

Sen. Lugar praised Bolton's plan and suggested that there were a few Democrats he hoped would take his lead.

The Pope -- My Kin

As an American of Polish descent, I feel a certain kinship towards Pope John Paul II. Although I can no longer consider myself a Roman Catholic, I was still moved by the man and his deep spiritual commitment. I mean.... you could feel it. When you saw him on TV, you knew he was not bluffing. He really lived his spirituality. If for no other reason, you had to admire the man for that alone.

The fact that he made ground-breaking gestures of reconciliation towards Jews and Muslims only heightens his stature. The fact that he endured occupations under both the Nazis and the Russians only legitimizes his role as a man of suffering. The fact that he helped end Communist rule in Poland (and by extrapolation all of Eastern Europe), only strengthens his status as a liberator. He was a good man. He was, dare I say it, a great man.

Long live Pope John Paul II.

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