Daily Wisdom

October 25, 2005

Poll: Majority of Americans Say "Screw Iraqis"

NEW YORK, NY -- According to a Harem Innerelastic poll published in the Wall Street Journal today, more than 50% of Americans believe that freeing 26 million Iraqis from the hands of a ruthless and sadistic dictator was the "wrong thing to do". That number is up a percentage point in last few hours, and the highest since Harem began taking the daily poll one minute after the war began on March 19, 2003.

The poll also found that "mass graves are acceptable" to 47% of Americans if they are NIMBY (Not In My Backyard). This number is up from only 45% in the most recent survey.

"What this suggests", said a spokesperson for Harem Innerelastic, "is that Americans may be finally getting tired of the depressing negativism being spewed forth from the generally liberal-biased new media outlets in this country."

In a final question asked during the polling, Americans said they would prefer to "screw the Iraqis" than to listen to another leftwing monologue by an anchorperson at CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, or MSNBC.

The poll was taken via telephone using 1832 random numbers in all seven blue states. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus 15% (corresponding to the number of Republicans that hung up when the poll interviewer introduced themselves as 'a Democratic fundraiser').

October 20, 2005

Scrapple Hungry: New Blog

DOWNTOWN, NJ -- In response to the overwhelming sense of malaise felt by the fans of Scott Ott who has shut down his Comments Section at the ScrappleFace site, I have set up a new blog called "Scrapple Hungry" at the following address: http://scrapplehungry.blogeasy.com/

When asked in an E-mail if this would be a permanent situation, Scott Ott was quoted as saying, "temporarily permanent, indefinitely". Before long, the ScrappleFace community, sometimes called "Scrappledom", began visiting some of the various spin-off blogs such as "View From Above", "United Possums International", "KajunNews" and "Libby Gone™", etc. in an effort to find an alternative place to comment, vent and chat.

Unfortunately, most of these spin-off blogs are not as user-friendly as ScrappleFace when it comes to posting comments. In an effort to somewhat duplicate the atmosphere and comment-posting style of ScrappleFace, I searched the web for a free blog site that might work. BlogEasy.com was the best that I could come up with on short notice. I will continue to scour the recesses of World Wide Web for something better. Until then, or until Scott turns the Comments back on.... those of the ScrappleFace family who are hungry to comment should consider a visit to
Scrapple Hungry.

Best regards,

UPDATE: It was brought to the editor's attention that certain spin-off blogs were not included in this article. While the list was never intended to be all-inclusive, we will herewith the provide the names of additional spin-off blogs to which "Scrappledom" began visiting. Please add, "Uncommonly Sensible" and "Beer and firkins" to your list. Thank you, that is all.

October 16, 2005

Looney Liberal of the Week: Jack Carter

ELKO, NV -- Jack Carter, son of former President Jimmy Carter, is the recipient of this week's Looney Liberal of the Week Award. At age 58, this guy suddenly thinks he can make it big on the political stage. He's running for the U.S. Senate against current Nevada Senator Republican John Ensign. He started his campaign with an attack on President George W. Bush.

This idiot doesn't realize that his father was a LOOOOZER! Since Jimmy Carter left office nearly 25 years ago in January, 1981, his reputation has NOT improved. The legacy of Jimmy Carter (Peanut farmer from Plains, GA) is as follows: 1) Set your thermostat higher in the summer and lower in the winter, 2) drive at 55 MPH instead of 65 MPH, 3) turn right on red, except where prohibited by law, 4) high inflation is something we can live with, and 5) so what if 52 Americans are allowed to wallow in an Iranian prison for 444 days?

I'm not surprised that son Jack (the Peanut man's little peanut?), waited until he was 58 to enter the political arena. With a record like his father's, I'd also wait for a generation to pass before I'd show my face in public.

Senator Harry Reid (D-NV and
another LOOOOZER!) supports Jack Carter.

'View' Reaches New Milestone

DOWNTOWN, NJ -- In a sudden and unexpected manner, the View From Above has reached a new milestone. For the first time since its inception, the View has received more comments in a single day than blogging giant Scrappleface.

"We're really proud of our accomplishment", said Hawkeye®. Mister Eye® is the main writer, reporter, editor, web master (and janitor) at View From Above. "But we couldn't have done it without the help of our dear friend Scott Ott over at Scrappleface. If it wasn't for Scott, we wouldn't be where we are today."

Hawkeye® went on... "In fact, I would have to say unequivocally that Scott Ott has been my hero and mentor. Without his bold imagination, cutting wit, incisive satire and occasional slapstick comedy, the View From Above would have never, well... 'gotten off the ground' (pun intended). To me, Scott will always be 'the Maestro'. My warmest wishes go out to him and to all his devoted fans."

Mr. Ott could not be reached for comment when this posting went to press.

October 15, 2005

Iraqi Vote Turnout Disappointing

BAGHDAD, Iraq -- Early indications are that only about 61% of Iraqis turned out to vote on the new constitution. Pundits agreed that while this number is significantly higher than the turnout for typical American ballots, it is still substantially lower than the 99% turnout that Saddam Hussein was able to achieve while still in power.

"This clearly shows a lack of interest in democracy on the part of most Iraqis", said an unnamed political commentator, "and it suggests that under Saddam Hussein, Iraqis were more motivated to go out and vote".

Our reporters on the scene questioned a number of Iraqis as to why they failed to vote. Some of the answers we got went like this...

"Look, my kid's got soccer practice today, OK? Then I've got run to the store and pick up some Falafel while the electricity is still on, OK? And not only that, I can barely read anything through this 'Allah-be-praised'... burkha! Give me a break, OK?"

"Ummmm, well, ten members of my family have disappeared in the last six months. It's not easy living here in the Sunni triangle. I like my head, and I want to keep it close to my shoulders, thank you."

"Saddam refused to vote on the new constitution... and so do I!"

"REALLY? People are voting today? Like, no way MAN! That's just too KOOL! Maybe I'll go vote after I finish this hookah.... Wow!"

So there you have it... positive proof that the Iraqis despise George W. Bush, his militant actions in the Middle East, and the imperialist power of the evil American war machine. "Praise be to Allah... ohhh, and Death to America!"
--Associated Press writer Hakim Nasani (Al-Jazeera contributor)

UPDATE: Now that the voting is over it appears that at least 63% of Iraqis turned out to vote... Still not good enough. Death to America!
Hakim Nasani

October 14, 2005

Rove To Testify About "Wrong"

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Presidential advisor Karl Rove will appear today before grand jurors for the fourth time to testify about the meaning of the word "wrong".

Karl Rove has repeatedly testified, "I did nothing wrong". At his first appearance before the grand jury, prosecutors focused on the word "I". In the second and third appearances, prosecutors focused on the words "did" and "nothing", respectively. Now they hope to wrap up the proceedings by asking him about what he REALLY means when he says "wrong".

"These grand jurors are a little slow", said an assistant to one of the prosecutors who wished to remain anonymous. "They can only handle one word per day. We don't want to overload them with too much information at one time".

October 13, 2005

Kennedy, Kerry & the Kool-Aid™ Kids

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) today announced that he will support John F. Kerry (D-MA) for the Presidency in 2008, even if Hillary Clinton is the nominee of the Democratic Party. "I don't care who gets the nomination", said Kennedy, "I'm reserving my vote for my buddy from Massachusetts".

Kennedy and Kerry loyalists, often referred to as "The Kool-Aid™ Kids", squealed with delight. "No Way! That's just too Kool!", said one of the liberal enthusiasts. "Whatever Kennedy says, it must be right!", he continued.

Despite the concerns of some Democratic strategists, a movement is already underway to change the rules of the Democratic National Committee which would allow the DNC to field two separate candidates for President. "Just think", said another Kool-Aid™ Kid, "That would give voters twice as many Democrats to vote for, and double our odds at winning the election!"

Republican strategists are keeping tight-lipped on the subject, apparently considering a similar change for the RNC. "Even though we control the House, the Senate and the Presidency," said an unnamed Republican insider, "the Democrats still run everything... We just can't allow them to gain any more advantages over us".

October 04, 2005

Impressions From The Hurricane Coverage

Impressions I received while watching media coverage of the recent hurricanes.

  • TX: A productive, industrious state run by Republicans.
    LA: A government-dependent, welfare state run by Democrats.

  • TX: Residents evacuate themselves.
    LA: Residents wait for government to evacuate them.

  • TX: Local and state officials protect their citizens and property.
    LA: Local and state officials blame federal government for not protecting their citizens and property.

  • TX: Command and control remains in place to preserve order.
    LA: Command and control collapses allowing lawlessness.

  • TX: Law enforcement officers remain on duty to protect city.
    LA: Law enforcement officers desert their posts to protect themselves.

  • TX: Local police watch for looting.
    LA: Local police participate in looting.

  • TX: Law and order remains in control, 8 looters arrested.
    LA: Anarchy breaks out, looters take over city, no arrests, criminals with guns have to be shot by federal troops.

  • TX: Flood barriers hold preventing cities from flooding.
    LA: Flood barriers fail due to lack of maintenance allowing city to flood (despite billions of federal dollars given to the state over the past 30 years to reinforce the Levees) .

  • TX: Orderly evacuation away from threatened areas, few remain.
    LA: 25,000 fail to evacuate, are relocated to another hurricane area.

  • TX: Citizens evacuate with personal 3 day supply of food and water.
    LA: Citizens evacuate without 3 day supply of food and water, do without it for the next 4 days.

  • TX: FEMA brings in tons of food and water for evacuees. State officials provide accessible distribution points.
    LA: FEMA brings in tons of food and water for evacuees. State officials prevent citizens from reaching distribution points and vice versa.

  • LA: Media focuses on poor blacks in need of assistance, blames Bush.
    TX: Media can't find poor blacks in need of assistance, look for something else to blame on Bush.

  • TX: Coastal cities suffer some infrastructure damage, Mayors tell residents to stay away until ready for re-population, no interference from federal officials.
    LA: New Orleans is destroyed, Mayor asks residents to return home as another hurricane approaches, has to be overruled by federal officials.

  • LA: Over 400 killed by storm, flooding and crime.
    TX: 24 killed in bus accident on highway during evacuation, few storm related deaths.

  • TX: Jailed prisoners are relocated to detention facilities outside the storm area.
    LA: Jailed prisoners are set free to prey on city shops, residents, and homes.

  • TX: Local and state officials work with FEMA and Red Cross in recovery operations.
    LA: Local and stae officials obstruct FEMA and Red Cross from aiding in recovery operations.

  • TX: Local and state officials demonstrate leadership in managing disaster areas.
    LA: Local and state officials fail to demonstrate leadership, require federal government to manage disaster areas.

  • TX: Fuel deliveries can't keep up with demand, some run out of gas on highway, need help from fuel tankers before storm arrives.
    LA: Motorists wait till storm hits and electrical power fails. Cars run out of gas at gas stations that can't pump gas. Gas in underground tanks mixes with flood waters.

  • TX: Mayors move citizens out of danger.
    LA: Mayor moves himself and family to Dallas.

  • TX: Mayors continue public service announcements and updates on television with Governor's backing and support.
    LA: Mayor cusses, governor cries, senator threatens president with violence on television, none of them have a clue what went wrong or who's responsible.
  • October 03, 2005

    Harriet Miers? What Do You Think?

    WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President George W. Bush today announced his choice for the next Supreme Court justice to replace Sandra Day O'Connor in the person of Harriet Miers, Chief White House Counsel.

    Little is known about Miers. She is not a judge, so she has no "trail" of decisions. The President stated that Miers will not "legislate from the bench", which suggests strongly that he knows her attitude toward such things.

    But is it good or bad to appoint someone without judicial experience to the highest court in the land? Some conservatives are "whoppin' mad" that Bush did not select someone with a well-founded conservative record... someone they could readily get behind when it comes to "name-calling and mud-slinging". They don't care about a showdown with the Democrats. In fact, some are looking forward to a showdown... just so they can cram it down the throats of the libs. They're hoping the Dems implode. They don't think Bush needs to nominate a "stealth" candidate.

    The Democrats don't care. They will assume the worst and blast Miers because she is not a judge. Maybe they're right to complain. No experience. No record. What's to like?

    What do you think? Give me your opinion.... and thanks for "Viewing".

    October 02, 2005

    A Tired Hawk

    DOWNTOWN, NJ -- Hello "Viewers". It's been tough on this old bird the past few weeks, and there's no sign of let-up in "View". I worked all 7 days this past week on a crisis at the plant. I came home exhausted every day, and then had to squeeze in two classes besides. Fortunately it's my last semester. I will graduate in December with my second degree. This one in computer technology.

    As you might imagine, it's a tough schedule. It doesn't leave me much time for my favorite pastime... blogging. In fact, I'm so tired lately that I can't even think of anything to write. "Mind-numbing" is a term that comes to... well... to "mind".

    I'm afraid that I will probably not have many new posts to share in the next few months... unless things ease up a bit. Your prayers would be appreciated. Thanks for "Viewing".