Boycott Ford

Submitted for your approval...

Like me, you are probably not a person who hates homosexuals. Instead, you are probably, like me, a person who disagrees with the homosexual life style in general, because you simply cannot identify with it. If you know your Bible, you are probably also against homosexuality as a way of life because it runs contrary to Scripture -- the Word of God. The Bible describes it as perversion and immorality. It further goes on to say three times in a row in Romans 1:24-28 (only 5 short verses) that God has "given up" on homosexuals. I am wont to quote the old saying, "God loves the sinner, but not the sin"... God loves all people (homosexual or otherwise), but God hates the sin of homosexuality. God wants those who practice such "abominations" to turn away from their sins towards God's way.

From a political perspective, I am clearly against the homosexual agenda. It is one thing to claim homosexuality as a sexual preference... an act that one may practice in privacy. It is clearly another matter to practice political activism which strives to equate homosexuality with traditional heterosexuality. It is a further insult to suggest that those who practice such aberrant behavior must be afforded the same rights and benefits now due only to legitimate, traditional heterosexual couples.

I am inclined to believe that 4,000 years of tradition should not be overturned in a single stroke to console the guilty consciences of a few sexually deviant individuals who seek to make their illegitimate practices palatable through legality. I am further not inclined to believe that 4,000 years of tradition should be overturned in a single stroke because there are some who feel sad that homosexuals may be "condemned" to practice their deviate behavior in private.

If you are like me in this regard, you may wish to click on the image below and join in a Boycott against the Ford Motor Company which is obviously pushing the homosexual agenda with lots of money and political influence...

Cheney Cheered By Amnesty Report

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Vice President Dick Cheney, in an interview with Larry King, said he was "cheered" by the results of a new report just out from Amnesty International. The group, which researches and reports on cases of human rights violations, recently issued a new report that claims the U.S. military's human rights have been violated by a number of media outlets.

The report follows a notoriously false allegation by Newsweek magazine that portions of a Koran were flushed down a toilet at Guantanamo Bay detention center. Other cases of anti-military bias in the media were also cited in the report. An analysis of news reports from various print, TV and radio media sources were analyzed for "negativity, either directly or implied" versus "positive or uplifting" messages. The study revealed that the ratio of negative news to positive news was "954 to 1".

"This is an outrage", declared a member of Amnesty International who wished to remain anonymous. "The human rights of the U.S. military are being trampled. Men and women who pay dearly to bring freedom and hope to millions around the world are being treated unfairly. These practices need to stop!"

No one at any of the cited media outlets could be reached for comment.

Today is Memorial Day

Our citizens live in freedom because patriots are willing to serve and sacrifice for our liberty. And on Monday, I will lay a wreath at Arlington National Cemetery in honor of those who have made the ultimate sacrifice. This year marks the 60th anniversary of the end of World War II, a victory for freedom in which more than 400,000 Americans gave their lives. Today a new generation of Americans is making its own sacrifice on behalf of peace and freedom, and some have given their lives...

We mourn their loss, and we honor their sacrifice. We pray for their families. And we take heart in knowing that these men and women believed deeply in what they were fighting for.

--President George W. Bush, May 28th, 2005

France Too Liberal For Chirac

PARIS, France -- In a move that is sure to disrupt the progress of the European Union (EU) and the government of French President Jacques Chirac, a referendum to ratify the EU constitution was defeated in France today by a margin of 55% to 45%. France is the first country of the 25-member EU that has failed to ratify; 11 countries have already ratified the constitution.

Chirac was barely able to hide his disappointment as he acknowledged defeat of the referendum. Chirac had personally called on French voters to support the measure, associating himself personally with the issue, and suggesting that it's passage was "a slam dunk". Chirac had also told voters that ratification of the constitution would lead to discovery of "weapons of poverty destruction".

A leary French public however, rejected Chirac's claims. The "NO" vote has been seen by some as an angry response for Chirac's failure to improve the French economy. Some analysts suggest that the French are so self-absorbed that they are tired of working with other Europeans, and just want everyone else to speak French. Still others say that the French are fearful their social programs may be compromised with a new EU constitution... In other words, they are so far left, they can't understand that their social programs have ruined the economy.

Chirac reacted to calls for his resignation saying, "Sacre bleu! I'll get back to you on that".

A Time To Remember

Good morning. This Memorial Day weekend, Americans pay tribute to those who have given their lives in the service of our nation. As we honor the members of our Armed Forces who have died for our freedom, we also honor those who are defending our liberties today.

On Friday, I met with some of the courageous men and women who will soon take their place in the defense of our freedom: the graduating class of the United States Naval Academy. These new officers will soon be serving on ships, flying combat missions, and leading our troops into battle against dangerous enemies. They are prepared for the challenges ahead -- morally, mentally, and physically. The American people can be confident that their freedom is in good hands.

-- President George W. Bush, May 28th, 2005

Who's To Blame Here?

He whose walk is blameless is kept safe, but he whose ways are perverse will suddenly fall. --Proverbs 28:18, New International Version

(Satire Mode off) Is it just me, or does it seem like the Democrats have become the party of obstructionism, stalling, antagonism, vitriol, pettiness, fishing expeditions, and negativity. They seem to have nothing to offer. They have no ideas. They're main purpose in life seems to be merely to thwart Bush, and progress, at every turn.

They lost the last election. Republicans gained seats in the House and Senate. And they just keep doing what lost them the election and all those seats... a lot of nothing but whining, and moaning, and chest-beating. Don't they recognize that this is a failed strategy? Do they really think that people like Kennedy, Reid and Pelosi are examples of what most Americans want in government?

To be sure, the Republicans are not fully "blameless" when it comes to confrontation. Lately however, it just seems that the Republicans -- the legitimately elected Majority party -- are always reacting to another Democratic attack, another threatened filibuster, another "request for more information", another delaying tactic, another unfounded allegation.

My prayer.... Lord, give wisdom and understanding to those who govern us. Open their eyes to see the folly of their ways. Help our "shepherds" to recognize that their job is to tend to their charge, not to kill each other for control of the flock. Amen.

Tax May Drain World's Top Sperm Bank

This one was so good, I'm just reprinting it verbatim from Reuters...

COPENHAGEN (Reuters) - The source of the world's biggest sperm bank may soon run dry if Danish authorities decide to tax donors, Cryos International Sperm Bank said Wednesday.

Denmark, with the world's highest income tax levels, wants sperm donors to pay tax on the 500 crown ($84.59) reimbursement men receive for their services.

"It is a special kind of work and therefore the fee cannot be compared to normal working income," Cryos said in a letter to the tax authorities, adding it risked losing donors, most of whom are students.

Cryos receives between 30-60 donors a day at its three branches and each year Danish men contribute to around 1,000 pregnancies around the world.

Zarqawi Wounded in Senate Shootout

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Caught in the cross-fire between Democrats and Republicans in the Senate yesterday, Musab al-Zarqawi, Iraq's most wanted terrorist, was reportedly wounded according to one internet website. Zarqawi's whereabouts have been a mystery for months, and now it appears that he may have been shuttling between Iraq and the U.S. on a regular basis. He was reportedly on Capitol Hill as recently as Monday where he allegedly sustained the injuries in a fierce fire fight. The nature of Zarqawi's wounds are unclear, but the website which made the announcement asked that all Muslims pray for his recovery.

The CIA has been theorizing for sometime now that Zarqawi has been operating with the insurgencies both in Iraq and the U.S. Senate. "Zarqawi is a terrorist who uses violence to wreak havoc against legitimate governments", said one CIA operative who wished to remain anonymous. "Since he despises America, it is not surprising that he would use his influence to subvert U.S. actions both at home and abroad". The FBI is investigating allegations that Zarqawi was funneling foreign contributions from the likes of Osama bin Laden, Iranian "moolahs", and Bashar al-Ass-ad to the Democratic leadership in the Senate.

Rumors that Zarqawi was wounded led to speculation among many on Capitol Hill that future funding to the Democrats from Islamic terrorists would soon wither up. "We believe that is the reason why the Democratic leadership agreed to this compromise deal so readily", said Bill Frist (R-TN), Majority Leader of the Senate. "Without a sugar daddy, the Democrats are powerless".

The insurgency, led by Senators Harry Reid (D-NV) and Teddy Kennedy (D-MA), tried to put a positive spin on the events which seemed to be spiraling out of control. "We showed them, didn't we?", asked Reid. Ignoring the comments of various Republicans to the contrary, including Bill Frist, Reid said that "the nuclear option is now off the table". Reid is scheduled for an ear examination next Wednesday.

"We sent a clear message to the President today", said Kennedy. "We don't just work in a beautiful building at the other end of Pennsylvania Avenue", he continued, "but we also put on a great show of being arrogant and obstructionist to keep our party faithful in line while we get some lower level Senators (whom we like to refer to as 'moderates') to bail our butts out when we need some help saving face."

The FBI is analyzing samples of blood stains it found on the floor of the Senate to see if the DNA matches that of Musab al-Zarqawi.

Anti-Military Bias in the Media

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an interview with Hugh Hewitt, nationally syndicated talk show host, Terry Moran, the Chief White House Correspondent for ABC News, admitted that there is an anti-military bias in the Mainstream Media (MSM)...

There is, Hugh, I agree with you, a deep anti-military bias in the media. One that begins from the premise that the military must be lying, and that American projection of power around the world must be wrong. I think that that is a hangover from Vietnam, and I think it's very dangerous.

Anti-military bias in the MSM? Really? I decided to see for myself if there was any truth to this allegation. I went through some of the headlines that related to the military in the NY Times over the last week, and here is what I found...

Newsweek Retracts Account of Koran Abuse by U.S. Military
By CHRISTINE HAUSER and KATHARINE Q. SEELYE, Published: May 16, 2005

Soldier Is Found Guilty in Abu Ghraib Abuse
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, Published: May 17, 2005

2 Officers Punished in 2003 for Abusing Iraqi Detainees
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, Published: May 18, 2005

Generals Offer a Sober Outlook on Iraqi War
By JOHN F. BURNS and ERIC SCHMITT, Published: May 19, 2005

Red Cross Reported Koran Abuses
By KATHARINE Q. SEELYE, Published: May 20, 2005

Afghan President 'shocked' By U.S. Abuse Report
By REUTERS, Published: May 21, 2005

Army Faltered in Investigating Detainee Abuse
By TIM GOLDEN, Published: May 22, 2005

I don't know, do these headlines sound anti-military to you? Perhaps the first one is a bit negative. It even uses the phrase "Koran Abuse by U.S. Military". But all the rest? Why, I don't see anything in those headlines that might suggest an anti-military bias. In the May 18th article, the AP even went back to 2003 to find something nice to say about the military.

You be the judge.

Armed Forces Day

May 21st is Armed Forces Day. Please support our troops.

Submitted For Your Approval -- AFA Petition

Give Every Judicial Nominee An Up Or Down Vote
Every judicial nominee should have an up or down vote by the full Senate. If a Senator doesn’t like a nominee, then vote against the nominee. If a Senator favors the nominee, then vote for the nominee. Let the Senators hear from you today! Our goal: 1,000,000!

Please consider signing this petition from AFA Online. Click on the image below...

Survivalist Senators Stock Shelters

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Unless a compromise is reached before next Tuesday, it appears that Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) will press the button that launches a pre-emptive "nuclear option" strike against Democrats in the Senate.

Frist is intent on forcing a test vote next Tuesday for Texas Judge Priscilla Owen to the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. Democrats have threatened to filibuster her nomination in an attempt to prevent it from reaching the full Senate for an up or down vote. If the nomination does not acquire the needed 60 votes, then Frist is expected to have the presiding officer (Vice President Dick Cheney, as Senate President) declare that filibusters are illegal for Supreme Court and federal appellate court nominees.

Assuming that Dick Cheney (R-WY), complies with Frist's request, then a series of events will be set in motion which may literally alter the political landscape of the U.S. Senate for years to come. After a preliminary countdown, Bill Frist and Dick Cheney will each insert a special key into their respective control panels, and on the count of three will turn those keys to the right. The automatic arming device on the "nuclear option" will then be activated and the self-destruct sequence will be initiated. Unless Democrats come to their senses, apologize profusely, and ask for mercy within 15 minutes, a red light will begin to rotate in the Senate chambers and a pre-recorded audio message will start playing all over Capitol Hill which announces.... "This legislative body has been set to self-destruct in 10 minutes. Please evacuate the area."

The pre-recorded message will continue announce the ever shorter time to destruction until approximately 10 seconds before detonation, at which point the message will say... "Have a nice day! 10... 9... 8..."

With nuclear destruction imminent, a number of survivalist Senators have been secretly stocking their shelters (or "bunkers" in Ohio terminology*) in anticipation of the big event. "I plan to be out of town next Tuesday", said one Senator who wished to remain anonymous.

On a positive note, most of the un-biased liberal MSM will have representatives on Capitol Hill to cover the breaking news story.
________________________________________________
* See: Ms.RightWing, Inc., Comments, Scrappleface.com, 2004-2005, et al.

Extraordinary Deal

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Moderates from both sides of the aisle have been working on a deal to try and find common ground in the battle for the hearts and minds of 100 U.S. senators. The potential deal floated last night is "extraordinary" in the respect that it accomplishes absolutely nothing and is unlikely to go anywhere.

In the highly charged atmosphere of the Senate these days, Democrats are threatening to filibuster President Bush's judicial nominees, because that is the only way to prevent a vote on these nominees by the full Senate. Republicans have a clear majority in the Senate (and the House as well), and the President's nominees would surely be approved.

In response to the Democratic threat, the Republicans have threatened to change the Senate rules and eliminate the use of the filibuster. This move has been referred to as the "nuclear option".

In response to the Republican threat, the Democrats have threatened to shut down the government by calling in sick every day until the end of Bush's term in office.

In response to the Democrat-threatened sick-out, Republicans have threatened to hold their breath until they turn blue, and kick their feet a lot.

To end the stalemate, a proposal was developed late Thursday night which would preserve the use of the filibuster for judicial nominees, but calls for its use only in "extraordinary circumstances"... like when Democrats are "extraordinarily obstructionist", or "extraordinarily grumpy".

Check and Checkmate

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) today delivered a flaming diatribe on the floor of the Senate demanding that the Minority Democrats be allowed to run the Senate by ignoring the elections of 2004. "We know that most people think elections are held to decide who runs things in Washington and throughout the country", said Reid, "but those are old concepts. Today, it's the Democrats who run things, regardless of elections".

Reid's rantings seemed somehow familiar as he began to pound the podium and interspersed his comments with the occasional "Sieg Heil!". Reid's demagogic performance comes in the face of Republican threats to end the ability of Democrats to filibuster President Bush's judicial nominees.

"The Senate is not a rubber stamp for the executive branch," Reid said. "Rather, we're the one institution where the minority has... the ability to check the power of the majority. Today, in the face of President Bush's power grab, that's more important than ever." Reid went on to say, "If Republicans roll back our rights in this chamber, there will be no check on their power".

President Bush is apparently taking Reid's remarks seriously and intends to offer an apology to Democrats in his weekly radio address next Saturday. An unnamed Whitehouse spokesman leaked an early draft of the message in which Bush is expected to say the following:

"I want to take this opportunity to speak directly to Democrats. I'm sorry that I 'grabbed power' by winning the election of 2004. I'm sorry that the Republicans increased their majority in both the House and the Senate. I'm sorry that the American people have spoken so clearly. I'm sorry that they want us to run the government and not you. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. I'm sorry that you are sore losers. Please just get over it. Checkmate. Thank you and God Bless America."

Social Security -- Retraction

SNOPES, Cyberland -- Well, unless the people at Snopes.com are liars or Democrats (who are not to be trusted under any circumstances), it appears that a recent article on Social Security reported by Hawkeye® was nothing less than an E-mail hoax. You can get all the facts here.

Therefore, in the best journalistic tradition, the humble reporter bowed on bended knee, retracted his story and admitted his failure to fully investigate his sources before going to press. Although it may be too soon to tell, it does not appear that any injuries resulted from his error (except perhaps his bruised ego). "It is probably wise that he chose to get this admission out of the way quickly", said Dan Rather. "He might be able to avoid early retirement by becoming a more sympathetic figure with his Viewers".

Subsequent investigation has revealed that Marge in MI actually got the story from an unsavory character who forwaded it on to her via fax machine from a Kinko's store in Texas. "I just took the story and ran with it", said Hawkeye®. "It looked so real and I wanted to believe it", he continued. "This will never happen again... From now on I'll just stick with satire so I can keep all of my facts straight."

Social Security

Special Thanks to Marge in MI for this one...

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle . -- Winston Churchill

Franklin Roosevelt, a Democrat, introduced the Social Security (FICA) Program. He promised:

That participation in the Program would be completely voluntary,

That the participants would only have to pay 1% of the first $1,400 of their annual incomes into the Program,

That the money the participants elected to put into the Program would be deductible from their income for tax purposes each year,

That the money would be put into an independent "Trust Fund" rather than into the General operating fund, and therefore, would only be used to fund the Social Security Retirement Program, and no other Government program and,

That the annuity payments to the retirees would never be taxed as income.

Many of us have paid into FICA for years. Some of those who are now receiving a Social Security check every month find that they are getting taxed on 85% of the money they paid to the Federal government to "put away" for them. Why have all the promises of FDR been broken? Who is responsible? Let's see now....

Q: Who took Social Security from the independent "Trust" fund and put it into the General fund so that Congress could spend it?
A: It was Lyndon Johnson and a Democratically-controlled House and Senate.

Q: Who eliminated the income tax deduction for Social Security (FICA) withholding?
A: The Democratic Party.

Q: Who started taxing Social Security annuities?
A: The Democratic Party, with Al Gore casting the "tie-breaking" deciding vote as President of the Senate, while he was Vice President of the U.S.

Q: Who decided to start giving annuity payments to immigrants?
A: That's right! Jimmy Carter and the Democratic Party.

Immigrants moved into this country, and at age 65, began to receive SSI Social Security payments. The Democratic Party gave these payments to them, even though they never paid a dime into it. Then, after doing all this thieving and violation of the original contract (FICA), the Democrats turn around and tell you that the Republicans want to take your Social Security away! And the worst part about it is, uninformed citizens believe it.

To be truthful, 450 top economists (including 5 Nobel laureates) believe that we should consider a new plan for Social Security along the lines of what President Bush is suggesting. See for yourself.... Click here

Spam Attack

Hello Viewers. Unfortunately, I had to delete my posting "To Kill An American" because it was getting spammed to death. I believe somebody got a link to the article and started automatically hitting it. I hope this resolves the problem.

Psalm 23 -- With A Twist

Special Thanks to Mack for the following. I modified it just slightly (hope you don't mind Mack). From the viewpoint of a sheep....

Psalm 23
The Lord is my Shepherd...
That's Protection.
I shall not want...
That's Fulfillment.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures...
That's Rest.
He leadeth me beside the still waters...
That's Peace.
He restoreth my soul...
That's Healing.
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness...
That's Guidance.
For His name sake...
That's Purpose.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...
That's Testing.
I will fear no evil...
That's Security.
For Thou art with me...
That's Faithfulness.
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me...
That's Discipline.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies...
That's Vindication.
Thou annointest my head with oil...
That's Consecration.
My cup runneth over...
That's Abundance.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life...
That's Blessing.
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord...
That's Hope.
Forever...
That's Eternity.

Rumors of My Whereabouts Exaggerated

HILLSBOROUGH, NJ -- Hello fellow "Viewers". If you have been getting used to my near daily posts, you may have been wondering where I was the last few days. It's been getting very hectic with a new job. Also, I am finishing up several classes so I've been working on projects, exams and the like. Hopefully I will come back strong in the next few weeks. Thanks for reading.

Chandler, Jackson, Sharpton Resign

WAYNESVILLE, N.C. -- The Rev. Chan Chandler, pastor of the East Waynesville Baptist Church, resigned today as a result of the controversy that has surrounded him since the days before the Presidential election last fall. Chandler, who openly shared his political viewpoints from the pulpit, endorsed President Bush last year and disparaged John Kerry. His comments were based on his opinion that Bush and the Republican party endorsed positions which were more aligned with the scriptural teachings of the Bible.

Jesse Jackson, a fellow Baptist preacher, was appalled at the idea that a pastor should not preach politics from the pulpit on a regular basis. In 1996, Jackson said, "If you go along and get along, you're a coward. Only by principled engagement can you be a force for change and hope." Today, he told stunned reporters at a press conference that he would resign his position with The Rainbow Coalition effective immediately "as a measure of solidarity with my fellow Baptist minister".

Not to be outdone, Al Sharpton, a Pentecostal minister, also called a press conference where he announced his resignation from the speaking circuit and from the Democratic Party. "I have heard nothing on this issue from the DNC. I can no longer remain a member of a political party that will not stand up for the rights of ministers everywhere to preach politics from the pulpit," he said. "If we don't nip this thing in the bud... there's no telling where it might lead."

Prisoners Pacified By Poisoned Pizza

HOBART, Tasmania -- A hostage crisis at the maximum security Risdon Prison on Saturday ended peacefully when the 20 prisoners involved in the siege were pacified using poisoned pizza. "The prisoners were holding hostages and demanding pizza", said an unnamed prison official. "We had to do something, and we had just heard about this situation in Rio De Janeiro, when it became obvious what we should do."

Prison officials contacted a local pizza establishment with a reputation for the worst pizza in a 300 mile radius. The proprietor, a British citizen, was offended to hear the reason for the large order. "What's wrong with my pizza?", he asked. "It tastes just like Shepherd's Pie". When the prisoners started running for the bathrooms, the hostages were free to be rescued.

Prison officials around the world are considering whether to emulate the practice. "Although it worked well", said an unnamed American corrections officer, "the ACLU would probably sue us for cruel and unusual punishment".

Schumer Asks Bush To Surrender Authority

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) on Saturday urged President Bush to turn over his authority for selecting judicial nominees to the Democrats. "There is so much turmoil and bickering between Republicans and Democrats", said Schumer. "If the President would just let Democrats pick the nominees, all this wrangling could be eliminated."

Schumer made his remarks during the weekly radio address of the Democratic Party. He went on to denounce what he called "a whiff of extremism in the air the likes of which we haven't seen in decades."

An unnamed Republican strategist commented, "I thought I smelled something foul... but I don't think it's coming from our side of the aisle."

President Bush responded to Schumer's request saying, "Those guys are just sore losers. They lost the election. They lost seats in the House and the Senate. And now they're just making donkeys outta themselves. Can you spell 'Loser'? L-O-O-Z-E-R... Loser!"

Condi Rice Apologizes

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a letter to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Senator Joe Biden (D-DE) blasted Condi for her failure to provide documents regarding charges that John R. Bolton (President Bush's nominee for U.S. Ambassador the U.N.) went so far as think for himself.

"What I seek to determine is whether these documents demonstrate a pattern of conduct that calls into question the nominee's fitness to serve as U.S. Representative to the United Nations," said Biden. "We can't have people in high office who analyze documents or intelligence and then formulate their own opinions", he continued. "Here in Washington... we need more mindless idiots and obstructionists".

In a televised response via Sunday morning talkshow, Condi Rice apologized for her failure to respond immediately to Senator Biden's request and cited the fact that her dog ate the original request letter. She also complimented Biden saying that he is "a role model" for those who aspire to be great obstructionists.

Biden

Rice

Bolton

Words From A Winner!

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Harry Reid (D-NV), Senate Minority Leader, today called President Bush a "Loser". Clearly, Reid's remarks were intended to draw a distinction between himself and the President. I'd follow this guy anywhere... how about you?

Media Definitely Slants Left

Special thanks to Cox & Forkum for conclusive evidence that there is a leftward slant to the major media outlets...

Or, go directly to Cox & Forkum to see the original.

Bush Apologizes For In-Sourcing of Jobs

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) today announced that job growth in April was a hefty 274,000 new jobs... higher than most analysts predicted. Job growth numbers for February and March were also revised upward by 93,000 new jobs, suggesting that the economy may not be stalling out as previously feared.

Other good news came from the BLS Household Survey Data, which indicates that employment grew by 598,000 in April to 141.1 million people.

Unfortunately, there's some bad news to go along with the good news. According to the BLS, the civilian labor force in the U.S. grew by 605,000 in April. This means that both the number of unemployed persons (7.7 million) and the unemployment rate (5.2 %) remained basically unchanged in April.

"I want to apologize to the American people for this unfortunate turn of events", said President Bush. "It seems clear to me that although we added approximately 600,000 new jobs in April, those jobs went mostly to immigrants".

President Bush continued, "Sure, there were probably a few American people who just entered the workforce for the first time, but I can't believe it was 600,000... can you? The way I figure it, most of the people who were unemployed in March were still unemployed in April, and maybe 90% of those new jobs went to Mexicalis comin' over the border".

Lou Dobbs, CNN business news analyst, was quick to chide President Bush for this apparently uncontrolled in-sourcing of jobs and announced a new series of segments he plans to air called "America: In-Sourcing Gone Wild".

Mob Opens Sex College With Viagra Lure

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- The East Coast mob joined forces with the West Coast mob today at the opening ceremonies of a new "Sex College". The school's slogan is "Get a Leg Up on the Competition". The primary purpose of the school is to help women of moderate means to supplement their incomes. It's said to be a very "hands on" type of curriculum.

Of course, men are invited to attend classes as well. There's no discrimination at this college! However, women have been enrolling at a rate of 10-to-1 over men. In order to address this lack of diversity, mobsters have been looking for ways to entice males to enroll. "What better way than to offer FREE Viagra?", said one La Cosa Nostra member of Italian descent (who wished to remain anonymous). "How ya DOIN'?... How YOU doin'?", he went on to ask the various media reporters.

Viagra and Sex Ed... it just seems like a marriag.... err, tryst... made in heaven.

Ethics Committee Honors Al Gore

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- On the House Ethics Committee today, two Repubicans recused themselves in the Tom DeLay matter, in an effort to avoid the appearance of a conflict of interest. Although they initially said that their monetary contributions to Tom DeLay's defense funds would in no way affect their ability to be impartial, they decided it would be better to avoid controversy. "We know that the Liberal Media is not biased in any way", said an unnamed Republican insider, "but there's no sense in handing those mudslingers any ammunition."

On a more cheerful note, the Ethics Committee, which prides itself on being... ethical ('duh), today announced that it would honor Al Gore with an award for inventing the Internet in such an ethical manner.

Investors Eye New Opportunities

NEW YORK, NY -- On Wall Street today, investors began to talk about the possibities for upward movement of stocks in a number of key industry segments. Included among the potential growth areas are manufacturers of facial tissues, anti-depression drugs and distributors of alcoholic beverages.

Analysts cite the growing number of depressed liberals as the reason for their stock picks. "More and more liberals are crying in their beer, looking to support groups, and popping pills to counteract the effects of growing popularity of conservative values", said one unnamed psychologist. "The recent elections were very discouraging. The polls are not favorable. Liberal icons like Dan Rather and Bill Moyers have run into trouble.... and there is not much hope on the horizon."

A number of stocks in these industries went up in after-hours trading.

Lawmakers Look to Zoo For Guidance

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Rosamond Gifford Zoo in Syracuse, NY is considering the use of animal dung as a source of fuel. It hopes to reduce its $400,000 annual energy bill by using innovative technology to convert the waste into usable energy. Experts are evaluating whether there is enough dung generated each year to make the project feasible.

Lawmakers on Capitol Hill have seized on the idea and are likewise considering a similar proposal. "Hey, it's like a zoo here in Washington, and we've got so much B.S. that we could power the entire state of Virginia", said one Senator who wished to remain anonymous. "It gets so deep in here sometimes, that the place stinks to high heaven!"

Administrators at the Rosamond Gifford Zoo hinted that if they cannot generate enough dung locally, that they could tap the unlimited resources of the U.S. legislature.

Ancient 15-Pound Hamburger Discovered

CAIRO, Egypt -- Archaeologists have unearthed an ancient mummy in Egypt which they claim to be about 2,300 years old. Of greater significance however, is the fact that this ancient Egyptian may have been about to chow down on a 15-pound hamburger. "This is an enormous find", said one of the diggers. "And it's amazingly well-preserved".

Because the figure of the mummy is rather on the small side, some of the archaeologists are offering various speculations as to the size of the burger. One theory holds that the mummy had a tremendous appetite while alive. Another theory suggests that the giant burger may have been a going-away present from relatives of the deceased who feared their loved one might go hungry in the afterlife.

The news has hit one town in Pennsylvania like wildfire. Eager to emulate the ancient find, a restaurant in Clearfield, PA immediately began offering 15-pound burgers. "We got some big people with big appetites here in Clearfield", said an unnamed bystander, "but I ain't seen nothin' like this before. Gosh... those E-gyptians sure invented a lotta great stuff, didn't they?"

Non-Proliferation Treaty in Quagmire

NEW YORK, NY -- At the United Nations today, it appeared that the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty (or NPT) was running into trouble. Delegations from almost 190 countries are meeting to discuss the NPT, but it seems there are problems agreeing on an agenda.

As one might assume, Kofi Annan (Secretary General of the U.N.) and Mohammed ElBaradei (Director-General of the International Atomic Energy Agency - or IAEA), want to discuss the lack of progress by the United States toward nuclear disarmament. President George W. Bush on the other hand, wants to discuss the threats of impending nuclear capabilities in rogue states such as Iran and North Korea, considering for example that North Korea has withdrawn from the NPT.

"Unless all states, recognize that disarmament, like nonproliferation, requires action from everyone, the goal of general and complete disarmament will remain a distant dream," Annan told the delegates. George Bush was overheard to suggest that a nuclear attack on the U.N. building by terrorists using weapons obtained from a rogue state would pretty much make these important discussions on the agenda issue a moot point.