Survivalist Senators Stock Shelters

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Unless a compromise is reached before next Tuesday, it appears that Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) will press the button that launches a pre-emptive "nuclear option" strike against Democrats in the Senate.

Frist is intent on forcing a test vote next Tuesday for Texas Judge Priscilla Owen to the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. Democrats have threatened to filibuster her nomination in an attempt to prevent it from reaching the full Senate for an up or down vote. If the nomination does not acquire the needed 60 votes, then Frist is expected to have the presiding officer (Vice President Dick Cheney, as Senate President) declare that filibusters are illegal for Supreme Court and federal appellate court nominees.

Assuming that Dick Cheney (R-WY), complies with Frist's request, then a series of events will be set in motion which may literally alter the political landscape of the U.S. Senate for years to come. After a preliminary countdown, Bill Frist and Dick Cheney will each insert a special key into their respective control panels, and on the count of three will turn those keys to the right. The automatic arming device on the "nuclear option" will then be activated and the self-destruct sequence will be initiated. Unless Democrats come to their senses, apologize profusely, and ask for mercy within 15 minutes, a red light will begin to rotate in the Senate chambers and a pre-recorded audio message will start playing all over Capitol Hill which announces.... "This legislative body has been set to self-destruct in 10 minutes. Please evacuate the area."

The pre-recorded message will continue announce the ever shorter time to destruction until approximately 10 seconds before detonation, at which point the message will say... "Have a nice day! 10... 9... 8..."

With nuclear destruction imminent, a number of survivalist Senators have been secretly stocking their shelters (or "bunkers" in Ohio terminology*) in anticipation of the big event. "I plan to be out of town next Tuesday", said one Senator who wished to remain anonymous.

On a positive note, most of the un-biased liberal MSM will have representatives on Capitol Hill to cover the breaking news story.
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* See: Ms.RightWing, Inc., Comments, Scrappleface.com, 2004-2005, et al.