Prisoners Pacified By Poisoned Pizza

HOBART, Tasmania -- A hostage crisis at the maximum security Risdon Prison on Saturday ended peacefully when the 20 prisoners involved in the siege were pacified using poisoned pizza. "The prisoners were holding hostages and demanding pizza", said an unnamed prison official. "We had to do something, and we had just heard about this situation in Rio De Janeiro, when it became obvious what we should do."

Prison officials contacted a local pizza establishment with a reputation for the worst pizza in a 300 mile radius. The proprietor, a British citizen, was offended to hear the reason for the large order. "What's wrong with my pizza?", he asked. "It tastes just like Shepherd's Pie". When the prisoners started running for the bathrooms, the hostages were free to be rescued.

Prison officials around the world are considering whether to emulate the practice. "Although it worked well", said an unnamed American corrections officer, "the ACLU would probably sue us for cruel and unusual punishment".