Investors Eye New Opportunities

NEW YORK, NY -- On Wall Street today, investors began to talk about the possibities for upward movement of stocks in a number of key industry segments. Included among the potential growth areas are manufacturers of facial tissues, anti-depression drugs and distributors of alcoholic beverages.

Analysts cite the growing number of depressed liberals as the reason for their stock picks. "More and more liberals are crying in their beer, looking to support groups, and popping pills to counteract the effects of growing popularity of conservative values", said one unnamed psychologist. "The recent elections were very discouraging. The polls are not favorable. Liberal icons like Dan Rather and Bill Moyers have run into trouble.... and there is not much hope on the horizon."

A number of stocks in these industries went up in after-hours trading.