Zarqawi Wounded in Senate Shootout

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Caught in the cross-fire between Democrats and Republicans in the Senate yesterday, Musab al-Zarqawi, Iraq's most wanted terrorist, was reportedly wounded according to one internet website. Zarqawi's whereabouts have been a mystery for months, and now it appears that he may have been shuttling between Iraq and the U.S. on a regular basis. He was reportedly on Capitol Hill as recently as Monday where he allegedly sustained the injuries in a fierce fire fight. The nature of Zarqawi's wounds are unclear, but the website which made the announcement asked that all Muslims pray for his recovery.

The CIA has been theorizing for sometime now that Zarqawi has been operating with the insurgencies both in Iraq and the U.S. Senate. "Zarqawi is a terrorist who uses violence to wreak havoc against legitimate governments", said one CIA operative who wished to remain anonymous. "Since he despises America, it is not surprising that he would use his influence to subvert U.S. actions both at home and abroad". The FBI is investigating allegations that Zarqawi was funneling foreign contributions from the likes of Osama bin Laden, Iranian "moolahs", and Bashar al-Ass-ad to the Democratic leadership in the Senate.

Rumors that Zarqawi was wounded led to speculation among many on Capitol Hill that future funding to the Democrats from Islamic terrorists would soon wither up. "We believe that is the reason why the Democratic leadership agreed to this compromise deal so readily", said Bill Frist (R-TN), Majority Leader of the Senate. "Without a sugar daddy, the Democrats are powerless".

The insurgency, led by Senators Harry Reid (D-NV) and Teddy Kennedy (D-MA), tried to put a positive spin on the events which seemed to be spiraling out of control. "We showed them, didn't we?", asked Reid. Ignoring the comments of various Republicans to the contrary, including Bill Frist, Reid said that "the nuclear option is now off the table". Reid is scheduled for an ear examination next Wednesday.

"We sent a clear message to the President today", said Kennedy. "We don't just work in a beautiful building at the other end of Pennsylvania Avenue", he continued, "but we also put on a great show of being arrogant and obstructionist to keep our party faithful in line while we get some lower level Senators (whom we like to refer to as 'moderates') to bail our butts out when we need some help saving face."

The FBI is analyzing samples of blood stains it found on the floor of the Senate to see if the DNA matches that of Musab al-Zarqawi.