Israel, America & Islam

OLD BRIDGE, NJ -- As many of you know, Avi Lipkin presented a thought-provoking message on the Five Deceptions of Islam at the Calvary Chapel of Old Bridge, NJ on March 1, 2006. If you would like to listen to this 1 hour and 15 minute presentation, then look for the green button to start the message after you click... HERE.

For those of you whose computer can't handle large downloads, I've transcribed the entire message so you can read it... HERE.

It's a long read or listen, but it's very worthwhile. I don't think I got the spelling right on some of the Arabic words, but I hope to make corrections when I have more time. For now, it's off to the hospital.

Under The Knife

DOWNTOWN, NJ -- Well, the time has finally arrived... I've been putting off this surgery long enough. Now, I'm going to have it done. Scheduled time to arrive is 11:30 AM tomorrow (Wednesday)... 1:00 PM for the main event. It's minor surgery, so I should be out in time for dinner... hopefully! God-willing, everything will go smoothly and I won't wake up 200 years in the future wrapped in tin-foil like Woody Allen in Sleeper.

I'm hopeful that recovery will only be 7-10 days, but lots of people have gone longer. We'll see. Anyway, if I do find myself in the Western Zone trying to clone the Great Leader's nose in the Aries Project, well... I just wanted to say how fun it's been, y'all!

Click Here for a picture of my doctors.

And, click Here to enjoy some great quotes from the movie!




Best Regards...

Role Reversal?

BERKELY, CA -- Kurt Kleiner wrote an interesting article in the Toronto Star dated March 19th about a controversial new study. According to the study, children that are whiny and insecure grow up to become conservatives, while children that independent and self-reliant grow up to become liberals. The study tracked 95 kids from the Berkeley area for the last 20 years and was published in the Journal of Research Into Personality.

As expected, the study has drawn fire from right-wing blogs and has been labeled by some as "bad science". Kurt raises some interesting questions as it relates to the study...

Are nursery school teachers in the conservative heartland cursed with classes filled with little proto-conservative whiners?

Or does an insecure little boy raised in Idaho or Alberta surrounded by conservatives turn instead to liberalism?

Or do the whiny kids grow up conservative along with the majority of their more confident peers, while only the kids with poor impulse control turn liberal?

Well, the answer seems clear to me... According to Dr. Hawkeye®, children have a liberal or conservative gene from birth, known as the L-gene or the C-gene. The C-gene children of liberals in the Berkeley California area are whiny and insecure because they realize that their parents are idiots. When they grow up, they realize that they have the option to live amongst people who are rational and intelligent. Hence they mature into independent, self-reliant adults.

Conversely, the L-gene children of liberals in the Berkeley California area are independent and self-reliant when young, because they identify with their L-gene parents and assume that the whole world is liberal. When they grow up, they learn that conservatives are in the majority and the shock causes them to become confused. They then turn into whiny, insecure children.

That's my story and I'm sticking with it.

Gore Mulls Options

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Former Vice President Al Gore said on Monday that he has no intention of running for Vice President in the 2008 election. Gore is the presumed third place contender for the Democratic presidential nomination behind Hillary Clinton and John Kerry. (However, his ranking will decline if others enter the race.)

"I don't want to be Vice President again", said Gore. "Been there... done that".

Mr. Gore, who is a famous inventor, has been considering turning his attention towards developing new technology. Gore's inventions include the Internet, global warming, and the lock-box. "I've been thinking about a radically new technology for listening to music or watching videos in a hand-held device", said Gore. "I'm thinking about calling it the i-Gore. How cool is that!?"

Operation Iraqi Freedom - Plus Three

BAGHDAD, Iraq -- Today is my birthday, and the third anniversary of the beginning of hostilities in Iraq. For those of you who have already sent me E-cards and E-mails... THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH! It is wonderful to have such good friends.

I am forced to admit however, that on the opening day of hostilities in Iraq, when I heard that a bomber had been dispatched to bomb a location where Saddam Hussein was suspected to be, I thought... "What a great birthday present that would be!" Mind you, it was fleeting. It's not good to wish for anyone's death -- not even that of an evil dictator like Saddam. And, as we all soon found out, it was not to be. Saddam is still around, and still a pain in the rear... but at least he's not in power.

After three years of hostilities, it's hard to say with any certainty that I think this war was a good birthday present. Considering the deaths of 2318 Americans, 103 Brits, 27 Italians, 18 Ukrainians, 17 Poles, 13 Bulgarians, 11 Spaniards, 3 Slovakians, and 1 or 2 each from Australia, Denmark, El Salvador, Estonia, Hungary, Kazakhstan, Latvia, Netherlands and Thailand... one cannot say "Thank You" for such a present. It comes at too high a price. And considering that thousands of Iraqis have died as well, and thousands more Coalition forces and Iraqis have been wounded, it certainly gives one reason to pause and consider whether this war was the right thing to do.

Despite the tragic loss of life and despite the maimed and wounded, I believe however, that I think it WAS the right thing to do. Let's consider for a moment the results to date...

Saddam Hussein (brutal dictator) -- No longer in power.

Uday and Qusay (his brutal sons) -- Dead.

Saddam Hussein -- Captured and standing trial.

Majority of Iraqi "Most-Wanted" -- Captured or killed.

Status of 26 million Iraqis -- Freedom.

Mass graves -- No longer being populated.

Rape rooms -- No longer in operation.

Torture chambers -- Out of service.

Pay-offs to Palestinian homicide bombers -- Ceased.

Government support for terrorists like al-Zarqawi -- Ceased.

Government support for terrorists like Ansar al-Islam -- Ceased.

Pay-offs to UN officials (Oil-For-Food program) -- Ceased.

Pay-offs to Europeans (Oil-For-Food program) -- Ceased.

Pay-offs to Russians (Oil-For-Food program) -- Ceased.

Missile attacks on American over-flight pilots -- Ceased.

Threat of Iraqi WMD programs -- Ceased.

Schools -- Rebuilt or being rebuilt.

Hospitals -- Rebuilt or being rebuilt.

Power Stations -- Rebuilt or being rebuilt.

Water Plants -- Rebuilt or being rebuilt.

Constitution -- Written and being implemented.

Elections -- Three major elections conducted to-date.

Politics -- Almost as bad as America.

Coalition Forces -- Respected and thanked by most Iraqis.

Coalition Forces -- Respected and thanked by most Americans.

Iraqi Army -- Taking on more responsibility.

U.S. Military -- Giving Iraqis more responsibility.

Iraqi Economy -- Growing and vibrant.

Recent Visitors -- Things are better than the media portrays.

Current Situation -- Still dangerous.

Sectarian Violence -- A sad reality, but not widespread.

Civil War -- Not happening according to recent visitors.

Poll of Iraqis -- Extremely optimistic about the coming year.

When compared to other wars in U.S. history, this war is far from the worst...

War		Deaths
Revolutionary War		4,435
War of 1812		2,260
Mexican War		1,733
Civil War		140,414
World War I		53,513
World War II		292,131
Korean War		33,651
Vietnam War		47,369

I think history will look back and say that this venture was a huge success. In the meantime, it is painful to endure. My deepest condolences go out to the families of those who have been lost or injured. My heartfelt thanks and gratitude go out to all those who have served with honor. May God's richest blessings be upon you and upon the Iraqis who have benefited from your service. And may God Bless the United States of America.

Musical Interlude

DOWNTOWN, NJ -- Our next song is dedicated to Jay Bennish, Ward Churchill and all the other arrogant, liberal teachers who abuse the sacred trust of their position by turning their classrooms into political platforms...

Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2)

by Pink Floyd

We don't need no "education"
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
HEY!... TEACHERS!... Leave them kids alone!

All in all it's just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.

We don't need no "education"
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
HEY!... TEACHERS!... Leave them kids alone!

All in all it's just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.

Saddam The Peacemaker

BAGHDAD, Iraq -- Saddam Hussein, Iraq's President-In-Exile, testified today at his trial, and attempted to deliver a stirring address about the need for peace in Iraq before he was rudely cut off by the evil Chief judge Raouf Abdel-Rahman.

"Let the (Iraqi) people unite... Don't fight among yourselves", said Saddam. Referring to the "great Iraqi people", a phrase he oftened used in speeches while still in power, he said, "What pains me most is what I heard recently about something that aims to harm our people. My conscience tells me that the great people of Iraq have nothing to do with these acts."

As Iraqis everywhere began to join hands and sing "Kumbayah", the contemptable Abdel-Rahman shouted at Saddam, "You are being tried in a criminal case. Stop your political speech." He went on saying, "You are being tried in a criminal case for killing innocent people."

Saddam stood up in court and boldly acknowledged that he ordered the 148 Shiites put to death, insisting that it was his right to do so since they were suspects in an attempt to kill him. As he sat down he was overheard to angrily mumble something about "Shiites."

Chief judge Abdel-Rahman then closed the court to journalists who joined the crowds outside for another verse of "Kumbayah".

Frist Faces Down Dems

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Following a demand yesterday from Senator Russ Feingold (D-WI), to censure the President, Senator Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) decided he just might call the Democrats' bluff. Frist has been pushing for an immediate floor vote, and in a scene reminiscent of a Dirty Harry movie, Frist whipped out his .44 Magnum, pointed it at Feingold and said, "Go on punk... make my day."

Democrats in the Senate were obviously feeling a bit squeamish. Not because Frist was toting a handgun on the Senate floor, but because they don't want to commit to a vote to censure President Bush. If they vote to censure, they will appear to be overzealous in attacking the President about a program which most Americans actually favor. If they vote against censure, they will be lambasted by their left-wing base and appear to be acting contradictory to their own recent vitriolic rants. According to Drudge, when pushed on the suggestion for a vote, "Democrat Leader Harry Reid looked like he was going to be sick as he said 'No'..."

Frist knew that the Dems would cave on this one, and he took the opportunity to pressure them saying... "you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punks?"

Iran Threatens To Become Democratic

Iran's Ali Asghar Soltanieh (left)
listens to Javad Vaeedi
TEHRAN, Iran -- In another of a continuing series of recent threats regarding its nuclear program, Iran threatened today that it could inflict "harm and pain" on the United States. The statement was made by Javad Vaeedi, the deputy head for international affairs of Iran's Supreme National Security Council.

"The United States may have the power to cause harm and pain but it is also susceptible to harm and pain," Vaeedi said. "So if the United States wishes to choose that path let the ball roll."

From his statement, it is clear that Vaeedi fails to grasp American colloquialism in his feeble attempt to mimic Todd Beamer's 9/11 United Flight 93 rallying cry of "Let's Roll!" He also fails to grasp American resolve when threatened by enemies, "foreign or domestic".

Administration officials have interpreted Vaeedi's statement as a threat to become Democratic... that is, to join the Democratic Party here in America. Scott McClellan, the White House Press Secretary who wished to remain anonymous, responded to Vaeedi's remarks saying, "Iran's threats of 'harm and pain' show beyond a shadow of a doubt its intention to join forces with the anti-American political insurgency forces and the terrorist intifada media here in the United States. Those enemies of the state have caused more 'harm and pain' to our country during the last thirty years than any foreign power could have."

McClellan continued, "I think that provocative statements and actions only further isolate Iran from the rest of the world... I mean, take a look at what it's done for the Democrats!"

Iran Threatens Response To Anything

TEHRAN, Iran -- Iran announced on Sunday it will begin large-scale uranium enrichment if the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) decides on Monday to refer the matter to the U.N. Security Council. It also announced that it will begin large-scale uranium enrichment if the IAEA does NOT refer the matter to the U.N. Security Council. "In fact", said Ali Larijani, Iran's top nuclear negotiatior, "we will begin large-scale uranium enrichment if the IAEA does anything." He then continued, "We have been secretly working on our nuclear program for over 20 years and lied about it the whole time. Not only that, but we have been secretly working on our nuclear program for the last 2 years while negotiating with the EU3 and lied about that too... So what makes you think we will consider doing anything differently now? Oh, and... Death to America! Death to Europe!"

Mohammed ElBaradei, head of the IAEA, said a committee within the agency is now closely examining Larijani's statement. There is some speculation that 'doing nothing' might not be considered doing 'anything'. "We think there is still some room to negotiate here", said an unnamed committee member.

From Daily To Annual

Hollywood, CA -- Jon Stewart, host of "The Daily Show" will be moving from his daily appearances to his first annual show... the Academy Awards. We're not sure if there if there will be a 'second' annual appearance, but... who knows.

Some have said that Jon Stewart's off-beat political humor is not the kind that typical Oscar night viewers look for, and predict a disaster in the making. Others say that Stewart is held in high esteem among a younger viewing audience, and it is that audience they are hoping to attract to the Academy Awards presentations.

Rumor has it that Stewart will be pulling out all the stops for this show, and no gimmick will be left unused. According to unnamed sources, Stewart will be bringing back Michael Moore in an effort to offend as many Conservative viewers as possible. It has been overheard that he may bring in Janet Jackson for a well-timed "wardrobe malfunction". Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg and Steve Martin are expected to make cameo appearances. Several shorts will be played of Charlie Chaplain, Buster Keaton and The Marx Brothers. Bill Clinton will play saxophone and not inhale. The Rolling Stones will do a short gig during which one is expected to die of old age. Oscar winners who exceed their allotted speaking time will have their heads cut off by Abu Musab al-Zarqawi who's been flown in from Iraq just for the occasion. John Lennon and George Harrison will be resurrected from the dead so that the Beatles can make one last appearance. And gay cowboy jokes are expected in abundance as "Brokeback Mountain" prances off with all the awards (Oh, what a 'sweet' thought!).