Iran Threatens Response To Anything

TEHRAN, Iran -- Iran announced on Sunday it will begin large-scale uranium enrichment if the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) decides on Monday to refer the matter to the U.N. Security Council. It also announced that it will begin large-scale uranium enrichment if the IAEA does NOT refer the matter to the U.N. Security Council. "In fact", said Ali Larijani, Iran's top nuclear negotiatior, "we will begin large-scale uranium enrichment if the IAEA does anything." He then continued, "We have been secretly working on our nuclear program for over 20 years and lied about it the whole time. Not only that, but we have been secretly working on our nuclear program for the last 2 years while negotiating with the EU3 and lied about that too... So what makes you think we will consider doing anything differently now? Oh, and... Death to America! Death to Europe!"

Mohammed ElBaradei, head of the IAEA, said a committee within the agency is now closely examining Larijani's statement. There is some speculation that 'doing nothing' might not be considered doing 'anything'. "We think there is still some room to negotiate here", said an unnamed committee member.