Well, it's hard to believe but... it's been 8 whole years since I first launched this "blogspacade". Not much to show for it lately I know, but frankly -- Obama has been a real downer. He weighs on my psyche and intrudes on my perspective with dark clouds of doom and foreboding. He's just downright depressing.
So, to liven things up a bit, I thought I'd do a brief retrospective. It's easy to forget that before I turned to the "dark side", this was mainly a satire site (in honor of my hero, Scott Ott). Here are a few of my favorites from the "early days" of the View. Enjoy...
April 19, 2005
Bolton Vote Delayed By New Pope
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- It had been expected that the Senate Foreign Relations Committee would vote today to approve John R. Bolton as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. In a surprise move however, Ohio Republican Sen. George Voinovich finally spoke for the first time during the proceedings and said... "I don't feel comfortable voting today".
At first it was assumed by most on-lookers that Voinovich's discomfort may have been caused by Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), or some other equally disgusting personal affliction. It was soon learned however, that he was referring to the fact that a new Pope had just been elected in Rome. "Remember when Charles and Camilla postponed their wedding the day John Paul II had his funeral?", asked Voinovich. "I think we should likewise take some time to mourn the election of a new Pope... especially one from Germany."
Senator Richard Lugar (R-IN) did not agree with Voinovich's sentiment, and tried to move the proceedings along to a vote. "Shocking", declared Senator John F. Kerry (D-MA). "We cannot vote on a day as momentous as this. We need to take some time and offer our respects to the new German Shepard
April 22, 2005
Bush Celebrates Earth Day
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today, April 22nd, is Earth Day. Many environmentalists, both extreme and moderate, are celebrating the day with various types of events. Some are conducting clean-ups of their neighborhood parks or local streams. Others are hiking or sponsoring running events.
George W. Bush on the other hand, is planning on polluting a river today. He will secretly choose a pristine river and dump at least one or two drums of toxic waste in an effort to kill as much of the aquatic wildlife as possible. "I have an image to maintain", said President Bush. According to his critics, Mr. Bush is a blatant anti-environmentalist President. "I can't wait to sign a bill which would allow oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildllife Refuge (ANWR)", Bush said, "so I can do on a larger scale what I enjoy doing here today."
April 25, 2005
Michael Jackson to Play Race Card
SANTA MARIA, California -- A number of cable news legal analysts suggest that Michael Jackson will play the race card at his sexual molestation trial. In a twist of fate, it is expected that Mr. Jackson will claim that his deviant sexual behavior with young males is the result of his now being Caucasian. "If I was still black", said Jackson, "you know I wouldn't be thinkin' 'bout no boys."
It is rumored that Mr. Jackson's attorney will call an expert witness in the areas psychology and the effects of chemical skin bleaching agents. "It's clear that Michael Jackson was normal before he started bleaching his skin", said a close friend of the Jackson family. "He didn't turn weird, until he turned white".
Superior Court Judge Rodney Melville, who is presiding at the Jackson trial, today agreed to hear testimony from Debbie Rowe, mother of two of Jackson's children. "I agree", said Rowe. "I think that the bleach really got to him. Breathin' that stuff can't be good for your brain cells."
May 04, 2005
Lawmakers Look to Zoo For Guidance
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Rosamond Gifford Zoo in Syracuse, NY is considering the use of animal dung as a source of fuel. It hopes to reduce its $400,000 annual energy bill by using innovative technology to convert the waste into usable energy. Experts are evaluating whether there is enough dung generated each year to make the project feasible.
Lawmakers on Capitol Hill have seized on the idea and are likewise considering a similar proposal. "Hey, it's like a zoo here in Washington, and we've got so much B.S. that we could power the entire state of Virginia", said one Senator who wished to remain anonymous. "It gets so deep in here sometimes, that the place stinks to high heaven!"
Administrators at the Rosamond Gifford Zoo hinted that if they cannot generate enough dung locally, that they could tap the unlimited resources of the U.S. legislature.
May 07, 2005
Bush Apologizes For In-Sourcing of Jobs
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) today announced that job growth in April was a hefty 274,000 new jobs... higher than most analysts predicted. Job growth numbers for February and March were also revised upward by 93,000 new jobs, suggesting that the economy may not be stalling out as previously feared.
Other good news came from the BLS Household Survey Data, which indicates that employment grew by 598,000 in April to 141.1 million people.
Unfortunately, there's some bad news to go along with the good news. According to the BLS, the civilian labor force in the U.S. grew by 605,000 in April. This means that both the number of unemployed persons (7.7 million) and the unemployment rate (5.2 %) remained basically unchanged in April.
"I want to apologize to the American people for this unfortunate turn of events", said President Bush. "It seems clear to me that although we added approximately 600,000 new jobs in April, those jobs went mostly to immigrants".
President Bush continued, "Sure, there were probably a few American people who just entered the workforce for the first time, but I can't believe it was 600,000... can you? The way I figure it, most of the people who were unemployed in March were still unemployed in April, and maybe 90% of those new jobs went to Mexicalis comin' over the border".
Lou Dobbs, CNN business news analyst, was quick to chide President Bush for this apparently uncontrolled in-sourcing of jobs and announced a new series of segments he plans to air called "America: In-Sourcing Gone Wild".
May 08, 2005
Condi Rice Apologizes
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a letter to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Senator Joe Biden (D-DE) blasted Condi for her failure to provide documents regarding charges that John R. Bolton (President Bush's nominee for U.S. Ambassador the U.N.) went so far as think for himself.
"What I seek to determine is whether these documents demonstrate a pattern of conduct that calls into question the nominee's fitness to serve as U.S. Representative to the United Nations," said Biden. "We can't have people in high office who analyze documents or intelligence and then formulate their own opinions", he continued. "Here in Washington... we need more mindless idiots and obstructionists".
In a televised response via Sunday morning talkshow, Condi Rice apologized for her failure to respond immediately to Senator Biden's request and cited the fact that her dog ate the original request letter. She also complimented Biden saying that he is "a role model" for those who aspire to be great obstructionists.
May 09, 2005
Schumer Asks Bush To Surrender Authority
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) on Saturday urged President Bush to turn over his authority for selecting judicial nominees to the Democrats. "There is so much turmoil and bickering between Republicans and Democrats", said Schumer. "If the President would just let Democrats pick the nominees, all this wrangling could be eliminated."
Schumer made his remarks during the weekly radio address of the Democratic Party. He went on to denounce what he called "a whiff of extremism in the air the likes of which we haven't seen in decades."
An unnamed Republican strategist commented, "I thought I smelled something foul... but I don't think it's coming from our side of the aisle."
President Bush responded to Schumer's request saying, "Those guys are just sore losers. They lost the election. They lost seats in the House and the Senate. And now they're just making donkeys outta themselves. Can you spell 'Loser'? L-O-O-Z-E-R... Loser!"
June 06, 2005
Gulag of the Year Award
GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba -- American military leaders at the Guantanamo Bay detention center (Gitmo) were surprised to learn today that they have been awarded the prestigious "Gulag of the Year" Award. The award is presented annually by J.D. Power and Associates™. Established in 1968, J.D. Power and Associates™ is a global marketing information firm that conducts independent and unbiased surveys of customer satisfaction.
"According to the data released in a report on Friday by the Pentagon, the statistics clearly show that Gitmo is the gulag of choice with the highest satisfaction rating among inmates anywhere", said an unnamed representative from J.D. Power.
Charles Krauthammer, nationally syndicated columnist for The Washington Post Writers Group, also rated the detention center. In an article dated yesterday, he rates criminal behavior by Gitmo guards as very low indeed... "On the scale of human crimes, where, say, 10 is the killing of 2,973 innocent people in one day and 0 is jaywalking, this ranks as perhaps a 0.01." Editor's Note: A perfect score would have been 0.0, but they missed it by... that much (holding up thumb and forefinger separated by less than 1").
June 08, 2005
Just the Facts M'am
NEW YORK, NY -- Senator Hillary Clinton (who is a woman) today continued her attack on the Bush administration. "We are living in a time when the other side doesn't want us to see the facts. Facts are inconvenient — facts about global warming, facts about mercury in the air, facts about people staying unemployed longer," said Clinton (D-NY).
Interestingly, Clinton cited no examples of these facts but used only vague generalizations and cliches in her remarks. In point of fact, the only use of "facts" in her speech was the repetition of the word.
More "fact-free" speeches are expected from Clinton in the run-up to the 2008 Presidential election.
June 13, 2005
Michael Jackson Going To Disney World
SANTA MARIA, CA -- Michael Jackson was found innocent today of all 10 charges in his child-molestation trial. A reporter stuck a microphone in his face and asked, "You've just been found innocent... what are you going to do now?" Jackson replied, "I'm going to Disney World!"
Michael Jackson, often compared with Shamu the Killer Whale (who is also black and white, and lives in a theme park), has decided that a change of scenery is in order. Michael apparently prefers Disney's version of Fantasyland to his own at Neverland Ranch. It has been suggested that Michael may want get away from Neverland for a few days (with all it's reminders of pornography and child-molestation) in favor of a more family-friendly theme park. Too bad... he just missed 'Gay Days' at Disney.
June 18, 2005
Lawmakers Ask Terrorists For Withdrawal Timetable
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Lawmakers on Capitol Hill have begun calling on terrorists for a timetable to begin pulling their forces out of Iraq. According to a Gallup poll taken earlier this month, 6 out of 10 Americans said foreign terrorists in Iraq should start removing some or all of their forces from Iraq before the end of the year, and 72% said all foreign terrorists should be out by October of 2006. Terrorist approval ratings have also reached an all time low of 37%.
In a related poll, the numbers were similar. In that poll, 63% of Americans said Iraqi insurgents and former Baathist Party loyalists should reduce the number of car bombings and homicide attacks to approximately half of their current levels by the end of the year. While 76% said car bombings and homicide attacks should be eliminated completely by October of 2006.
"These are the highest poll numbers we've seen so far", said an unnamed Gallup employee. "The insurgents and terrorists had better start taking American public opinion seriously. If not, it's going to get ugly real fast. The United Nations will be called in... young Iraqi women will be made into sex slaves... Iraqi oil money will be stolen by the U.N. fat cats back in New York... and if you think Iraq is mismanaged now, just wait 'til the U.N. gets involved."
June 22, 2005
Gorillas In Our Midst
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- According to Ron Fournier, AP Political Writer, Hillary Clinton and John McCain are 800-pound gorillas. Some have suggested that Fournier is actually referring to how these two individuals stack up as potential presidential candidates in the 2008 election. However, the fact that they both look bad, smell bad, and scratch themselves in unbecoming places at public events has lent some credence to his comparison.
It is clear, now more than ever, that we have in fact ascended from the apes. One look at Teddy Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid (aka "See Evil", "Hear Evil", and "Speak Evil") should convince us of that.
June 24, 2005
Dean: Bold New Plan For Success
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee, today spoke before a group of party faithful and he surprised his audience with a bold new plan for winning future elections. "The Democratic Party needs more votes to win", said Dean. "We cannot continue to let the Republicans get more votes than we do, if we intend to take back the Presidency, the House of Representatives and the Senate".
"Unbelievably brilliant!", said a Democratic strategist who heard the speech. "Dean's medical background has clearly paid off for the Democratic Party. He's a regular 'brain surgeon' of the first magnitude".
"We need more Latino votes", said Dean. "We need more military votes. We need more Jewish votes. We need more votes from dead people. We need more votes from illegal aliens. We need votes in Ohio. We need votes in Florida. EEEEEAAAAAGGHHHHHHH!!!!"
June 27, 2005
Rumsfeld: Senate Insurgency Could Last Years
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a series of interviews on various Sunday talk shows, Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense, said yesterday that the insurgency in the U.S. Sentate could go on for years. (See View From Above
story dated June 23, 2005.)
"There seems to be an endless supply of 'homicide ranters' in the Senate that are willing to strap on an explosive filibuster and wipe out anyone in hearing distance with a blast of hot air", said Rumsfeld. "There is no quagmire in Iraq, but there is definitely a quagmire in the Senate", he continued.
Rumsfeld also fielded questions regarding allegations that he is to blame for the quagmire in the Senate. "That's just total nonsense", said Rumsfeld. "This situation was caused by the insurgents in the Senate, and it's a problem that the Senators will have to deal with themselves. Sure, we could send in troops and try to restore order, but then we would be labeled an 'occupying power'."
When asked if he felt that the insurgents in the Senate should be sent to the detention center at Guantanamo Bay, Rumsfeld responded in the negative. "I don't think our fine men and women in uniform should be exposed to that much abuse".