Iran Calms World Jitters

TEHRAN, Iran -- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced... "I'm-mad-&-an-idjot") continued to bolster the confidence of worldwide leaders with his announcement that Iran has broken the U.N. seals at a uranium enrichment plant on Tuesday. He said Iran was resuming nuclear "research" after a two-year freeze. Enriched uranium can be used as a fuel for both nuclear weapons and nuclear energy.

Although Iran has claimed only that it "may" use enriched uranium for the production of a nuclear weapon, the International Atomic Energy Association (IAEA) has indicated that it completely trusts Iran. Even though Iran secretly pursued a nuclear energy program for many years until it was discovered by the IAEA, Iran was a signatory to the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. "That's good enough for me", said Mohamed ElBaradei -- Director General of the IAEA. "Please ignore the fact that my name is Muslim. I would never exhibit any pro-Islamofascist favoritism... unless, of course, there's falafel on the menu. Mmmmm!"

Ahmadinejad further calmed world fears by declaring that, "Unfortunately, a group of (Western European) bullies allows itself to deprive nations (like Iran) of their legal and natural rights (to threaten the world with nuclear blackmail)." He continued saying, "The Iranian nation is not frightened by the (Western) powers and their noise... (inaudible mumbles)".

Former Iranian President Hashemi Rafsanjani took a much milder tone, merely denouncing the West's "colonial policy", and saying in a soothing manner... "If (the Western nations) cause any disturbance, they will ultimately REGRET it!"

British Prime Minister Tony Blair said it is no longer likely that the United States or the European Union will push to refer Iran to the U.N. Security Council, because of Ahmadinejad's most comforting words that.... "Israel should be wiped off the map."

President Bush said, "Ahhh! I feel so much better now that I think I will take Iran off the list of nations who are in the Axis of Weasels... err, Evil!"