CDC: Spine Flu Hits Media
The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) today described a new strain of flu which has recently emerged. The CDC says the outbreak seems to have originated in the mainstream media and so far appears to be confined to reporters and journalists, said a CDC spokesperson. Commonly referred to as the "spine flu", this disease appears to weaken the resolve of individuals to ask important questions, do thorough analysis, and make logical conclusions. "We've seen patients with an almost complete lack of objectivity and rational thinking," said a medical staffer who wished to remain anonymous. "Their spines become so dissolved that they simply deteriorate into blathering blobs of gelatinous jelly," he continued.
The contagion was visibly manifest at President Obama's press conference on Wednesday when reporters were barely able to ask a single probing question. Mark Knoller's question about "enhanced interrogation techniques" which included a statement that they "not only protected the nation but saved lives," was about as deep as it got. The question also produced Obama's dumbest answer of the evening when he suggested that we might have "gotten that same information without resorting to these techniques."
Jeff Zeleny of The New York Times on the other hand, seems to have been afflicted the worst when he asked this four-part question: "During these first 100 days, what has surprised, enchanted, humbled, and troubled you the most?" Experts said that of all the reporters, Jeff appeared to be closest to the gelatinous state. The fact that there were absolutely no questions about the economy, may be a sign that the disease is entering a dangerous new phase.
Technically speaking, the disease is known as the "R2D2" virus because it produces robotic-like symptoms in its victims who mindlessly follow directions and lose their ability to think rationally. Other symptoms include "fevered rants" against opposing points of view, abnormal "swelling" of the ego, and a "rash" of illogical statements. The CDC says that the spine flu is a "fool-borne" disease, transmitted from fool-to-fool, particularly in closed environments where activities such as "group-think" are liable to occur.
The "spine flu" has been around for awhile. In fact, its effects were blamed for the disastrous election results last November. This particular new strain of spine flu however, seems to have emerged only in the last 100 days. It has long been suspected that President Obama may be a "carrier" of the disease.
The CDC has raised its alert level to "5" on a scale of 6, which means that 5 out of 6 reporters and jounalists are likely to be afflicted with the disease. Occasionally, the disease can be fatal. Several newspapers are experiencing declining readership and are said to be near death. Various TV and cable network news programs are experiencing declining viewership and ratings, which may require them to be pulled off "life support" according to their owners.
There is currently no vaccine for the spine flu. The CDC says to avoid excessive exposure to those who are infected, and recommends frequent use of disinfectants such as news sources that are "fair and balanced".