Study: Why Liberals Are Odor-Free
The results of a new study were released today in the New England Journal of Medicine regarding an abnormality which primarily seems to affect Liberals. Researchers from the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta, Georgia cooperating with doctors from the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine in Baltimore, Maryland, recently concluded a ten-year study into the mystery of why the fecal matter of Liberals does not stink. According to the report, the answer lies in the relative proximity of Liberals to "traditional" forms of media.
"The data was clear and unambiguous," said one of the researchers. "We found that Liberals who were most closely associated with newspapers such as the New York Times, or Los Angeles Times for example, were ten times more likely to have fecal matter that emitted no odor." And the results were similar for TV as well. Liberals who claimed some association with CBS, NBC, ABC, PBS, CNN, or MSNBC were 7 to 9 times more likely to have fecal matter that did not offend. "Even those who had an association to National Public Radio (NPR), were more likely to have odor-free feces," said the researcher.
"This is good news", said Swedish doctor Jans Hopkinstrom of the CDC. "Dehurdeschmurlesch verrly... Excuse me... We feared at first that it might be a grotesque deformity. We were concerned that Liberals might be absorbing the toxic fecal odors into their livers." That would produce a condition that could lead to untold diseases and complications later in life, according to medical authorities. Some in the health community secretly feared widespread contagion from Liberals with exploding fecal-tainted livers. "Our greatest concerns have now been averted," said Hopkinstrom.
More interesting, the study found that one's association with the "traditional" media was not necessarily limited to being a journalist, reporter, editor, producer, executive, pundit or occasional news contributor. "It was fascinating to learn that even members of the general public who were exposed to several hours per day of the 'traditional' media, were more likely to have olfactory-deficient dung", said one of the researchers. Readers, viewers and listeners whose exposure to 'traditional' media sources exceeded 60% were most likely to be affected. Defecation odor levels dropped linearly as exposure levels increased, according to the report. Those who were exposed ONLY [100%] to 'traditional' media sources had fecal odor levels that were below 0.001 parts per trillion (or undetectable to the human sense of smell) the study said.
Not unexpectedly, the fecal residue of Liberals did not fair so well in experiments with "non-traditional" media outlets. Liberal fecal odor levels were "off-the-charts" on conservative talk-radio programs. Liberal fecal matter also exceeded olfactory limits at FoxNews TV, FoxNews.com, and in the vast majority of the right-wing blogosphere, according to test results. A You-Tube interview with Dr. Jans Hopkinstrom of the CDC will be forthcoming... any day now... soon.