EPA Ruling Spurs Controversy
The Environmental Protection Agency announced on Friday that greenhouse gases linked to climate change "endanger public health and welfare." Carbon dioxide and methane were among the culprits cited by the Agency. The announcement generated a flurry of activity and a lot of buzz within the Beltway. Of particular concern was the fact that human beings emit carbon dioxide every time they exhale. Humans also produce methane gas via flatulence.
Nancy Pelosi (D-Moon) immediately introduced a bill that would call for the extermination of all human life on the planet. "If humans produce greenhouse gases, then we've got to go right to the source of the problem and address it HEAD-ON," she said. House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), said he didn't think HEAD-ON™ would work, saying it's OK for headaches but not for gas. Other lawmakers reminded Pelosi that Congress does not have jurisdiction over the whole world and described her proposal as "too sweeping". Speaker Pelosi responded by saying, "Then let's start with America. We're the cause of all the world's problems anyway, aren't we? If we exterminate all Americans, other countries will follow our lead."
Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano was inclined to agree with Pelosi. Napolitano said, "Let's see. Global warming is 'man-made'. Global warming is a 'disaster'. Therefore, global warming is a 'man-made disaster'. We now refer to terrorism as 'man-made disasters'. Therefore, humans who create 'man-made disasters' such as global warming are 'terrorists' by definition. So, if we exterminate all the humans, we then get rid of all the terrorists, and we eliminate all man-made disasters including global warming. Yep. Sounds logical to me."
CIA Director Leon Panetta suggested that a new "Overseas Contingency Operation" should be launched to attack the "Man-Made Disaster Masters". But the details of Panetta's plan are somewhat vague. Some believe Panetta wants to introduce a revolutionary new plan where the CIA would go overseas and covertly hire thugs and killers who would then come to America disguised as illegal aliens. "It's a no-brainer. Anybody can get across that border," said an un-named source at the CIA. Once here, these secret cells of foreign killers would wait to be activated. At the proper time, these cells would attack all the "Man-Made Disaster Masters" in this country. Most experts agree that such a plan could produce positive results. Members of Congress would likely be the first targets of the CIA, since it is well-known that they produce the largest quantity of hot air in the country.
It is also believed by some that a significant number of guilt-ridden Liberals will commit suicide when confronted with the fact that their mere existence is a violation of Pelosi's new law and that they themselves are polluting the planet. Others however, are not so sure. A writer who contributes to American Thinker said that if the past is any indication, Liberals will be the last to go...
Consider for a moment that Liberals are always whining about helping the poor, social injustice, and all that 'bleeding-heart' stuff. Yet, when it comes down to it, they personally do little or nothing to actually help others with their own time and money. It's a well-known fact that Conservatives give more than Liberals. That's why Liberals want the government to do it for them. They feel guilty, so they get the government to take money out of somebody else's pocket to assuage their own guilt. I would bet that Liberals will probably make sure that they are the directors of the death camps so they can kill off all the Conservatives first... for the good of the planet of course. --Ima Goodman, American Thinker
Republicans are expected to oppose such measures, but it is not clear if they will vote as a block on this issue. Some RINOs including former Republican presidential candidate John McCain are known to have fallen for the global warming hoax. The Republicans have said they intend to introduce alternative legislation that would not be as dramatic as the Pelosi plan. Their plan would merely require all Americans to wear gas-masks. However, the gas-masks would not be used to protect humans from the carbon dioxide or methane in the air. Rather, the masks would be reversed to protect the atmosphere from humans. "It's quite simple really. We just install a CO2-absorbing filter in the outlet port of the mask, and it collects all the CO2 when you exhale," said an un-named Republican environmental consultant.
But Democrats say the Republican plan doesn't go far enough. "How can we be sure that all Americans will wear the masks religiously?," asked a Democratic environmental nut-job. "And what about the methane from flatulence? A gas-mask won't take care of that. Until the Repulicans are prepared to stick a methane filter up everybody's butt, I don't think their plan will get any traction in this Congress," he continued.
Debate on the issue is expected to begin next week.