Daily Wisdom

March 15, 2007

Carbon-Neutral Global Warming Event

Good news from the tree-huggers HERE.

Environmental activists and liberal politicians will join forces in Washington, D.C., on March 20 for the first "Climate Crisis Action Day," which is billed as a "carbon-neutral global warming event." Speakers at the West Front of the U.S. Capitol will include Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT), Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA) and others concerned about climate change. "Visuals will include a giant inflatable earth on fire, hybrid cars, and thousands of advocates in crimson T-shirts," the news release said. Environmental groups that are sponsoring the event expect thousands of Americans to come to the Capitol to meet with their senators and representatives -- and "urge them to support swift, steep reductions in global warming pollution and protect the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge."

This is no small feat. In order to accomplish the "carbon-neutral" billing for this event, sponsors are placing unusual demands on those whom they are inviting to participate. For example, unless the invited participant can show that he or she travels by airplane in excess of 15 days per month, or can show (in writing) that he or she has sacrificed a previously paid-for vacation (via airline), then the invitee will not be allowed to fly to Washington, D.C. in order to participate. The sponsors don't want an airline flight to upset the "carbon-neutrality" of the event.

Since most people are expected to drive to the event, invitees are not allowed to drive any more than the average number of miles they drive on a typical commuting work day. In other words, if a person's standard work commute is 30 miles (15 miles each way), then the invitee must drive no more than 30 miles per day to attend the event. If they live 300 miles from Washington, D.C. then they must plan to leave their homes at least 10 days in advance of the event and travel no more than 30 miles per day in order to be truly "carbon-neutral".

The thermostat also presents a problem. If a person decides to attend the event but a loved one remains at home, then the participant cannot use anymore heat or air-conditioning than they would normally use if they remained at home. Let's assume for example that "Bill" comes down from somewhere up north where the heat is still on at home. Bill will not be permitted to use any heat in his motel rooms along the way, unless his loved ones who remain at home are willing to turn down their heat by an equal amount in order to remain "carbon-neutral". Likewise, "Joe" who is attending the event from down south will not be able to use any air-conditioning unless his loved ones at home turn off their AC to offset the carbon value.

Meals are no less of an issue. If "Bill" and "Joe" want to eat while they are away from home, they are not allowed to use any more energy to cook their meals than they would use while still at home. Thus, if a loved one remains at home, then they and their loved ones must decide if each wants to eat a half-cooked meal, or if one will eat a fully-cooked meal while the other eats a cold meal. I suggest that Bill and Joe bring plenty of granola, Special-K™, or (yum!) trail mix. Of course, if they choose the Special-K™, then they probably can't enjoy it with milk. That would require refrigeration or ice. And under the rules, you can't have a refrigerator running at home and use additional refrigeration on the road.

It's the same for almost every appliance or energy-consuming item. To remain "carbon-neutral", the invitee must not use any lights, TVs, alarm clocks, computers, hot water, etc. if their loved ones back home are also using those things. In order to remain "carbon-neutral", each must use half the amount they normally would, or make sure that their loved ones at home are not using the same appliance or commodity at the same time.

The visuals at the event were another source of challenge to the event's sponsors. The "giant inflatable earth on fire" will be made completely out of recycled materials that are processed and assembled by factory workers who volunteer to take leave from their regular jobs and work for free in sub-standard conditions in order to insure that they utilize no more energy (i.e., carbon) than they would have if they actually went to work on those days. Employers of said volunteers must insure that an appropriate reduction in electrical power, lighting, heating, etc. is implemented in order for the volunteers to be truly "carbon-neutral".

The hybrid cars, while pretty to look at, cannot be transported to or from the event using any carbon-based fuel that would not have otherwise been expended on those specific days. Therefore, a Perpetual Motion Machine™ will be used to insure that the hybrid vehicles are brought on and off the site of the event using no energy beyond that which was used to originally start the machine back in 1575 when it was first invented.

The thousands of crimson T-shirts were also a daunting challenge. It was assumed at first that these might be manufactured, dyed, and screen-printed specifically for this event. That would have meant an energy (carbon) investment that would have otherwise been difficult to offset without the purchase of "carbon credits" such as those used by Al Gore to mitigate his extravagent carbon-based energy life style. Using a little ingenuity however, event sponsors were able to locate some red t-shirts HERE, that had already been produced and were not really moving because (according to some kids I talked to) they were really over-priced. "Recycling t-shirts that were not moving off store shelves anyway, is a great way to make a statement at a protest rally", said one of the spokesmen for the event. "These are top-of-the-line t-shirts that a big-name store brand just couldn't move. So... good for us!"

The t-shirts manufactured in Kenosha, WI are expected to arrive in Washington, D.C. on or around March 21st depending on traffic, and exactly how many miles the truck can travel each day versus its normal daily average trip schedule required to maintain "carbon-neutrality".

12 Comments:

At 3/15/2007 9:31 PM , Blogger Jenn said...

Hilarious. :)

 
At 3/15/2007 10:19 PM , Blogger Hawkeye® said...

Jenn,
Glad you enjoyed it.

(:D) Best regards...

 
At 3/16/2007 1:20 AM , Blogger camojack said...

And I suppose all the attendees plan to walk to the event, right?

 
At 3/16/2007 6:43 AM , Anonymous mig said...

It sounds like it might be a lonely event unless you count the homeless.

 
At 3/16/2007 8:19 AM , Blogger Hawkeye® said...

Camo,
That would be even better! They could make a statement by being "carbon-negative".

(:D) Regards...

 
At 3/16/2007 8:21 AM , Blogger Hawkeye® said...

Mig,
Actually, it would be harder for homeless people to remain "carbon-neutral" because they're not using much carbon to start with!

(:D) Regards...

 
At 3/16/2007 5:26 PM , Blogger Beerme said...

But if they walked, their carbon "footprint" would be easier to see...

 
At 3/17/2007 5:20 AM , Anonymous elroy said...

It sounds like hard work. I guess we'd all better start getting used to it.

Cheers

Elroy

PS letsaskelroy.blogspot.com

 
At 3/17/2007 11:20 AM , Blogger Hawkeye® said...

Beerme,
Al Gore's carbon footprint is about the same size as King Kong's.

Elroy,
You are so depressing. I hope your blog isn't so dreary.

 
At 3/20/2007 2:24 PM , Anonymous Ms RightWing's Ink said...

I wonder how much carbon the weenies use by using their computers all day--posting warnings, events and all things neccesary for keeping America in fear of NYC being submerged under 60 feet of water

 
At 3/20/2007 5:22 PM , Blogger Hawkeye® said...

Ms RW,
Yeah, if they're so concerned about global-warming, then they should give up their computers... No more ScrappleFace for them!

(:D) Regards...

 
At 3/26/2007 9:30 PM , Blogger Pat'sRick© said...

Heh!

 

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