Daily Wisdom

October 08, 2006

Gore Signs Multiple Deals


WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Former U.S. Vice President and Presidential Candidate Al Gore held a press conference today announcing that he has signed deals with various organizations. Among those organizations are Jenny Craig™, the U.S. Department of Agriculture, and the Union of Concerned Scientists.

According to Gore, the deal with Jenny Craig™ revolves around a television ad campaign concerning weight loss. "Well, I need to lose a few pounds anyway, so what better incentive to achieve my goals than the good old American greenback?", said Gore.

Mr. Gore also said he has signed an agreement with the U.S. Department of Agriculture to participate in a study. The details of the agreement are sketchy. According to one unnamed source at the USDA, the study intends to show how a reduction in the consumption of foodstuffs by obese Americans can boost American exports and reduce the trade deficit.

Mr. Gore has also signed a deal with the Union of Concerned Scientists for undisclosed remunerations. The UCS is "an independent nonprofit alliance of more than 100,000 concerned citizens and scientists... founded in 1969 by faculty members and students at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology who were concerned about the misuse of science and technology in society". One of the organization's present concerns is global warming.

Gore said he will work with the UCS on a narrowly-focused project to determine how reductions of methane gas emissions would impact global warming. "I'm working on this project with the UCS as it relates to some other things I've got going on at the moment", said Gore. Methane is a greenhouse gas.

Mr. Gore is expected to receive a modest stipend from the UCS in exchange for the publicity which he will bring to the UCS organization. Critics have called the UCS an "unlabeled left-wing activist" group.

Gore closed the press conference saying, "Might as well kil... errr, remove two birds from the endangered species list with one stone, ehh?"

Al Gore is best known for inventing the "Internet" and the Social Security "Lock Box".

8 Comments:

At 10/08/2006 2:43 PM , Blogger Barb said...

Although I realize AliGore never met a deal or a dollar he didn't love(cotributions from sworn-to- poverty Nuns), this really is Satire,right?
Really funny!!
I can just see AliGore at the trough ,swilling down the soy,with a Fanny-meter attached to measure the methane. For him they sould also put a meter on his mouth.We have only been assuming his oral emissions are just hot air.

 
At 10/08/2006 6:15 PM , Blogger camojack said...

I was guessing Nutrisystem™ was gonna be one of the "Multiple Deals", instead of Jenny Craig...so I wasn't too far off the mark, huh?

 
At 10/08/2006 7:41 PM , Blogger Hawkeye® said...

Barb,
Yes Barb, this REALLY is Satire (or my lame attempt at it). Glad you enjoyed it.

Camo,
Not too far indeed.

(:D) Regards all...

 
At 10/08/2006 9:07 PM , Blogger Beerme said...

"He BE-TRAYED his diet!"

 
At 10/09/2006 8:33 AM , Blogger Hawkeye® said...

Beerme,
Yeah, and then he went back for another tray. Hee-hee.

(:D) Regards...

 
At 10/09/2006 10:14 AM , Blogger darth_meister said...

I guess it depends on what the definition of "a few pounds" is, right sir?

I'd say he needs two memberships to Jenny Craig.

 
At 10/09/2006 1:45 PM , Blogger Pat'sRick© said...

Funny stuff.
Maybe Al should meet Blarney. They would get along famously.

 
At 10/09/2006 9:10 PM , Blogger Hawkeye® said...

Darth,
Maybe he should buy stock in Slimfast™?

Rick,
Hey! What a pair. More laughs than Laurel & Hardy I bet.

(:D) Regards all...

 

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