Alito Hearings: Missing Moments

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- You may have missed some of the following exchanges during the Alito hearings. In fact, I did too... but I wish I had caught them...

Senator Schumer: While every Supreme Court nominee has a great burden, yours, Judge Alito, is triply high. First, because you are not a woman; second, because you are a Republican conservative; and, third, because I don't like Republicans or conservatives. What say you?

Judge Alito: First, I don't think it is quite fair to suggest that I must meet a higher standard than any other nominee for Supreme Court justice and, although I haven't studied the matter, I believe your suggestion would be ruled unconstitutional. Second, I recognize that I am not a woman, but I think you should take that up with President Bush who nominated me. Third, I don't like Liberal Democrats, so... we're even. Finally, I think YOU are my greatest burden.

Senator Specter: We will now hear from Senator Kennedy.

Senator Kennedy: I have some grave concerns about Judge Alito. His membership in an organization called CAP while at Princeton University suggests that he may be a bigot and a racist. Judge Alito... did you read this article by a fellow member of CAP that said too many women and minorities were being admitted to Princeton?

Judge Alito: No Senator, I have never read that article, and I do not agree with what it says. I am however, troubled by the fact that you are STILL in the Senate, being the murderer, drunk and blowhard that you are. As I recall, you killed a woman, and while in college you belonged to the "Owl Club" which was largely dominated by white males.

Senator Kennedy: Why yes, that's correct. Thank you for reminding me. I will now keep my blowhole shut throughout the rest of these proceedings for fear of further embarassing myself.

Senator Specter: Thank God for that!

Senator Biden: I have some serious concerns about Judge Alito's comments regarding reapportionment under the Supreme Court when it was led by Chief Justice Earl Warren. I will start to ramble on as I try to formulate a question.... yada, yada, yada....

(One hour later)

Judge Alito: ZZZZZZZzzzzz.... Huh? Excuse me, I started to doze off. Was there a question at the end of that self-serving, self-centered monologue?

Senator Biden: I asked you if you liked my Princeton Tigers ball cap?

Judge Alito: Yes, I do.

Senator Specter: Well, at least someone around here is concise. And we certainly seem to have a lot of "concerns".

Senator Schumer: I am VERY concerned about a letter Judge Alito wrote in 1985 in which he said, “I am particularly proud of my contributions in recent cases in which the government has argued in the Supreme Court that... the Constitution does not protect a right to an abortion.” What I want to know now Judge Alito, is... do you still feel that way today? I want you tell the world exactly how you would rule, if a case came before you today that would try to overturn Roe v. Wade.

Judge Alito: Yes, I did believe that in 1985. As you know, I cannot tell you what I believe today, because if I did, then I would have to recuse myself in any case concerning Roe that came before me. However, I CAN say that I would judge any case that came before me on the merits of the case. I would keep an open mind and evaluate any facts or evidence that was presented without prejudice, as I have done for the last 15 years.

Senator Schumer: Don't give me that "process" crap. I don't have an open mind. I'm prejudiced... so you must be prejudiced and close-minded too, right? I want more from you than that. I want you to blurt out something stupid so that you will INDEED have to recuse yourself!

Judge Alito: Senator, I want you to act more like an adult. I want you to get rid of that stupid grin, those annoying glasses, and that condescending, know-it-all inflection that reminds me of fingernails on a blackboard.

Senator Schumer: I'm not happy about your answers, but I will take your suggestions under advisement.

Senator Specter: Please do... for the good of civilization as we know it.

Senator Graham: Well, it looks like our fellow Senators from the other side of the aisle have been raking you over the coals, eh? I think they took lessons from "The Spanish Inquisition" (no one expects the Spanish Inquisition). I hope you and your family are holding up OK? ...Oh, sorry Mrs. Alito, I didn't mean to make you cry. Would someone give her a hanky? Anyway, let's be honest here Judge Alito. You don't consider yourself a bigot or a rascist do you?

Judge Alito: Actually Senator Graham, I must admit that I find myself beginning to hate white, wealthy, male, elitist Senators that are Liberal Democrats. So there. It's out. OK then. I guess I will have to recuse myself should the trial of any of these Senators come before the Supreme Court... So be it. I don't want to see any of these guys again anyway... for as long as I live.