Terri Schindler Died of Natural Causes

LARGO, FL -- Terri Schindler, often mistakenly referred to as Terri 'Schiavo', was found to have died of "natural causes" according to autopsy reports. In his report, the medical examiner stated that the witholding of all water and nutrition from a victi... errr, patient... for up to 13 days would "naturally cause death". Like, 'Duh? Is this guy a scientist or what?

It was also determined that Michael Schiavo's denial of the recommended therapy for Terri's condition for nearly 15 years resulted in Terri's brain shrinking to the point beyond which recovery was virtually impossible. It was further discovered that Terri did not suffer from an eating disorder, which many proponents of her early demise had suggested. Likewise, there was no proof that Micahael Schiavo had attempted to strangle his wife... although, it was widely acknowleged that after 15 years, any bruises to her neck might have healed in the interim.

Although Michael Schiavo spent 15 years and several million dollars on attorney fees (money which was originally awarded to him in malpractice lawsuits and intended to be used for her therapy) to make sure that Terri's feeding tube was removed, the coroners ruled out murder as the cause of death. So much for forensics.

According to Michael Schiavo, "I did everything I could for Terri. I even went to the Wizard of Oz to see if I could get her a brain". Too bad that Michael didn't realize what he really needed was a heart.