Lawmakers Ask Terrorists For Withdrawal Timetable

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Lawmakers on Capitol Hill have begun calling on terrorists for a timetable to begin pulling their forces out of Iraq. According to a Gallup poll taken earlier this month, 6 out of 10 Americans said foreign terrorists in Iraq should start removing some or all of their forces from Iraq before the end of the year, and 72% said all foreign terrorists should be out by October of 2006. Terrorist approval ratings have also reached an all time low of 37%.

In a related poll, the numbers were similar. In that poll, 63% of Americans said Iraqi insurgents and former Baathist Party loyalists should reduce the number of car bombings and homicide attacks to approximately half of their current levels by the end of the year. While 76% said car bombings and homicide attacks should be eliminated completely by October of 2006.

"These are the highest poll numbers we've seen so far", said an unnamed Gallup employee. "The insurgents and terrorists had better start taking American public opinion seriously. If not, it's going to get ugly real fast. The United Nations will be called in... young Iraqi women will be made into sex slaves... Iraqi oil money will be stolen by the U.N. fat cats back in New York... and if you think Iraq is mis-managed now, just wait 'til the U.N. gets involved."