John Kerry -- Rocket Scientist

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- John F. Kerry's college transcript from Yale University was released today, which was included along with some of his naval records. This is the first time Kerry's grades were made public as Mr. Kerry has sought to keep them private. "I am always a little embarrassed by my academic achievements", said Kerry. "I don't like to brag, and just want to be considered one of the guys."

Mr. Kerry's grades reveal that he was truly qualified to be a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon rather than the flip-flopping politician he has become. With only four D's in his freshman year, his average throughout all four years of college was a soaring 76, and only slightly lower than George W. Bush's average of 77 at the same institution. Mr. Bush graduated from Yale just two years after Mr. Kerry.

Under Yale's grading system in effect at the time, grades between 90 and 100 equaled an A, 80-89 a B, 70-79 a C, 60 to 69 a D, and anything below that was a failing grade. On learning the news, President Bush called Mr. Kerry to congratulate him. "Good work John. It looks like those elite prep schools you attended did the trick. Your parents must have been very proud."